Who Am I?

At my internship yesterday I had to catagorize some numbers on a guide sheet and my supervisor handed me a ruler before I started making lines and said, "here, you look like a ruler person," meaning you look like someone that doesn't just slap a line on a page, but likes to have things neat and in order; a perfectionist.  I'm always surprised when people tag me as anything other than a laid back, easy going, messy, artistic type of person, because that is who I have pretended to be for so many years.  Why do I pretend to be the Type B, laid back, easy going person?  I think it's because I'm afraid of getting hurt emotionally in my real skin.  In my fake skin I can handle things when they don't go the way I planned or wanted.  I pretend it doesn't bother me when my house isn't clean and I pretend I don't care if someone doesn't have time to talk to me.  I can pretend that it doesn't matter that I'm not superhuman and I can't do my night job at UPS as well as my internship during the day and still be a mom, wife, and secretary of all the details at home. 

The hardest part of this charade is not recognizing it, but realizing and owning who I really am.  I'm a perfectionist which causes a lot of anxiety when things are not just as I want them to be.  I'm an overacheiver and feel very disappointed with myself when I can't accomplish the unrealistic goals I set for myself.  I am very sensitive and I read into what people say and don't say and I'm constantly afraid of losing the people that are closest to me.  I counter my fear of losing people by pretending I'm an island and don't really need anyone in my life and it makes me very lonely.  I hold onto past hurts for years at a time and I have a hard time moving forward because it's easier for me to be a martyr and a victum than to be a survivor and hero, which takes forgiveness and honesty and strength. 

To be fair to myself, I have come a long way, but sometimes little things come up, like being handed a ruler or being challenged by a friend and it's time to stop and think and remind myself it's not about where I am going as much as it's about who I am becoming.