Bipolar Chili Victory!

It’s been awhile since I’ve written in my blog.  A lot  has happened in the past several years and I’m sure upcoming posts will fill in some of the back story but for now I’m going to write about chili.

Bipolar depression is similar to regular depression except for the promise of a manic phase followed by another depressive phase followed by another manic phase and you get the picture.  Some people find stability in the middle of these two extremes.  Unfortunately, the middle has been elusive for me.    So, in this depressive phase I’ve had to do a few things to survive besides watch tv and eat chocolate.

#1 Have some friends who are on my team.  They remind me that this phase doesn’t last forever, that I need to go see my doctor to see if I need to change medications, and they tell me they love me even though I can’t imagine they can even stand to be around me when I’m depressed and feeling like nothing in the world is worth waking up for.

#2  I take my medications.  For some reason people with bipolar often want to do away with their medications.  I sure do.  I get tired of riding the roller coaster and I errantly think that if I stop taking my medication I’ll somehow be able to get off the ride.  My team reminds me that by not taking my medication I am jumping onto the bigger, scarier roller coaster.  The truth often hurts.

#3. I made a “to do” list.  When I’m depressed the last thing I want to do is anything.  I come home from work, make a peanut butter sandwich and watch tv on my couch until it’s time for bed.  I get up and do the same thing every day and then I begin to wonder why I’m alive.  On my “to do” list I wrote “make a new meal” because I don’t cook.  So, after work today, rather than heading home to a peanut butter sandwich I went to the grocery store with a Chili recipe in hand and bought all the ingredients.  I came home, stared at the couch, the remote control, and the peanut butter.  Then I got to work making this chili recipe.

There were plenty of obstacles; my years of kitchen defeat and ghosts whispering, “why do you think you can start cooking now?  You haven’t been able to do it in the last 49 years.”  Then there’s my poor decision making such as picking out the wrong beans.  And finally, my poor cooking skills such as burning the onions and hamburger while measuring spices.  But in the end I made some edible chili!  It wasn’t the best chili I’ve had but it is worth eating which is more than I can say about the banana bread I made yesterday.  VICTORY!

My victory is not as much about making edible chili as it is about getting something done off my “to do” list.  To dig for the motivation to make chili during a depressive episode is harder than running 8 miles on one of my good days.  The mental energy it takes to do something other than sink into an abyss is exhausting.  So, if you’re depressed think about making a “to do” list and reach out to your friends.  If you know someone who’s depressed call them up and let them know you care how they’re doing.  It makes a world of difference.  Now that I’ve had some chili I’m going to celebrate my victory with a Hershey bar and the remote control.