Seven Years of Sobriety

Yesterday was my 7 year sobriety anniversary.  I didn't write about it here or post it on facebook yesterday, because I was feeling very vulnerable and it's not easy to label myself as a recovery alcoholic.  It's bitter sweet to be congratulated for making it for so long without drinking, because it's a sharp reminder of the damage I did while I was drinking and the complete helplessness that I felt. Years before I started drinking I couldn't believe that a mother would pick drugs or alcohol over her children.  I didn't understand then and I wouldn't expect anyone to understand now who hasn't been placed in that situation.  I still can't say, "they don't have a choice! It's an addiction!" because everyone has a choice.  But, I know how passionately I love my children and the only reason I was able to choose my children over alcohol was because I was caught and I allowed someone to help me.  For months I could not have stayed sober without being constantly watched or checked up on.  I had tried to do it myself for years.  I'd dump bottles of wine down the sink only to buy more.  I'd tell myself that I wouldn't drink until my kids fell asleep and then I decided that the alcohol calmed me down and made me a better mom.  Even now, after seven years, I can't stay sober without help.  You would think it would get easier with every year, and for the most part it has, but this was one of the toughest years I've had since that long, painful first year.  There were several times this year that I thought I wasn't going to make it.  The desire to drink was so strong I was sure I would relapse.  So, how did I do it?  I asked for help, again.  Every time I didn't think I'd make it, I called a friend. 

    One of my most despised books is 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Fry.  I actually love his writing style and I think it has inspired the way I'm writing my own memoir, but his answer to the desperate, miserable alcoholic is "hold on".  What???  Hold on to what??? The beer bottle, the wine box, the tap!  In one of his scenes after treatment he goes to a bar and orders a beer.  He is mesmerized by the frothy foam spilling over the glass.  He pulls it toward his mouth and breathes in the dark barley smell.  At this point my mouth was watering and I was looking for my sponsor's phone number.  Then he puts it back down on the bar and walks away.  That's how HE dealt with his alcoholism.  Or wait, a lot of the story was made up, so was he even an alcholic???  I don't know.  All I could think of was the message that Oprah had just spread to millions of viewers and readers was, just 'hang on', 'do it yourself', 'you don't need anybody'.  That's Bull Sh*t!  (I'm for sure not going to edit this post or I'll probably take that out!)  People weren't made to do life alone.  We were made to be in relationships because we NEED each other.  I know I'm the worst example of "sharing" my burdens and feelings with others, but I have made huge progress!  Most of the time I talk about my alcoholism I feel stupid, ashamed, less than, weak, not good enough, and crazy, but I talk about it because I hope that someone, somewhere is reading this and realizing they're not alone.  It's so much better to feel like a vulnerable, stupid recovering alcoholic with friends, than to feel like a lonely, miserable practicing alcoholic.  Trust me.  So, thanks to all of my friends and family who help me make it through each year.  I couldn't do it without you.