Today in my Bible study-behavior transformation group we began a section on 'Emotions'.  Our reading went over why we have emotions, verses about how God feels emotions, God's purpose for emotions and how we sometimes misinterpret what our emotions are telling us.  I have worked really hard since age five to repress my emotions, so this section is a little scary for me.  I avoided my work book all week previous to class.  I didn't eat anything this morning because my stomach hurt.  My hands were jittery and I was having a hard time concentrating on anything.  I keep asking myself, 'Why?"  I can't come up with anything specific for my fear.  I just know I get very scared when someone is trying to extract a real answer from me about how I feel.  Early in my therapy my therapist asked me how I felt about something.  When i responded that it made me want to go running she said that's not a feeling.  So I said it makes me think I should do some chores.  She said that's not a feeling either and she pulled out a piece of paper filled with feeling words and little pictures to go with them.  I used that list for months afterward to describe how I felt.  I think part of the reason I'm afraid to feel my emotions is because it's new.  I have repressed them for so long now that my stoic, stupid attitude has become part of who I am.  I don't know what I look like with feelings and the unknown is scary.  I also think it's hard because there are some feelings I don't want to feel like sadness, rejection, hopelessness and loneliness.  I'm sure we all feel these things.  I think it's like diving off the diving board for the first time.  It's scary, but after a few times it's not as bad, and after a lot of times you don't even think about it anymore. 

My stomach hurts just talking about emotions and I'm really tempted to delete this post, but I'm inspired by the other women in my behavior group.  They share their feelings, even some really hard feelings.  To me these women are braver than any of the olympic athletes I've been watching.  I would much rather break my leg skiing 70 mph down a hill than tell someone how I feel about a tough situation or event in my life.  So, I'll close my eyes, hit the 'publish post' button and take some tums before I go to bed.