As I was going through the Sunday paper today, I glanced over a picture of a man skydiving. It turns out he jumped 100 times within 24 hours to set a record and raise awareness about suicide. His former wife had committed suicide in December 2007 and he found the more he talked about it, the more other people talked about it.

A friend of mine committed suicide some years back. At the time I didn 't understand it. I thought if she could have just found some kind of hobby she liked or even a great cause to fight for. Maybe if she had exercised more. After going through depression myself, I finally understood. There is a difference between grieving and clinical depression. We all go through down times for a number of different reasons; a death of someone close, losing a job, a new season of life, etc. When I go through a period of grieving my heart hurts. When I became depressed, my head hurt. The best way I can describe it is heavy darkness.

My first encounter with depression snuck up on me. I was involved in a lot of activities and I loved what I was doing. The first thing I noticed were my friends asking me if I was alright. I told them I was fine and I truly thought I was. The next sign was my lack of enthusiasm for the things I loved and then a lack of interest. I went from gaining energy and life from my activities to having to force myself to participate. The last straw for me was when a friend, who I didn't see regularly, walked up to me and said she had awoken in the middle of the night and felt compelled to pray for me and was I doing ok? I didn't know what to say.

I didn't want to go to my doctor because I didn't want to take medication. I'm Norwegian for goodness sake! I scheduled my regular yearly check up and waited until the very end of the appointment to bring up my situation. After answering a three page questionnaire, my nurse practitioner said I was suffering from depression. When she said she wanted to prescribe an anti-depressant, I said no and ran out of the office. How would I tell my husband? How would I tell my friends? I'm just a normal person! On the drive home my mood plummeted as I realized I just ruined the only chance I had to feel better. I called my nurse practitioner as soon as I got home and she sent my prescription to the pharmacy.

How does depression feel? On the better days, getting out of bed was a chore. I had a hard time moving from one place to another or trying to make dinner. It took effort to think about what was next on the schedule. I went from being an outgoing talkative person to hiding at home. On the worst days of my depression the darkness was overwhelming. It was mental torture. It was like a deep tissue wound that I couldn't reach. It wasn't painful. It was torturous. The kind of thing that made suicide look like the only way out. It made me believe that my family would be better without me. I wondered if hell felt like this. Each second lasted forever. I prayed at night to please not let me wake up in the morning. Each morning when I awoke, I hated that I wasn't dead. I could not bare to think I had another whole day ahead of me.

I didn't think I'd ever feel good again. But after getting sober and finding the right anti-depressant, I got better. With a combination of therapy and physical wellness along with the medication, I have returned to my previous happy self. I've read that 5% of those with depression don't respond to medication. I have a friend like that and we talk about it. I wish I could do more, but talking helps, which is what I've found with most problems in life. It seems like such a huge taboo or humiliating thing to talk about problems, but I've found it very freeing.

I think that's what Cory Hanna was trying to do with his sky diving record. He just wants people to start talking. When we talk, humiliation turns to humility and shame turns to empathy and understanding. I don't think you have to completely understand depression or have all the answers. Sometimes the very best thing is simply to be there...and listen.