Jenna Comes Home Today

Tight schedule this morning, but I haven't written in a week!  I've tried to write all week, but I could not find one thing to say.  Yes, that's rare.  I wondered if my medication was not working because I felt nothing and when I feel  nothing, I have nothing to write.  So, I talked to a friend and told her I was worried and I was going to start running again and that always helps and I need to do something before I spiral down into depression.  Her response surprised me.  She said, "that is SO awesome that you recognized it and are taking action!"  Yes, I guess it is!  Sometimes...ok, almost all the time I don't give myself enough credit for the little steps forward I make.  I suppose it's because I always want to make giant leaps forward, like being on the best sellers list vs. finishing my book or running a marathon vs. running a 5K or solving everyone's problems with our Bible study/DBT class vs. helping six women that God puts in our class this year. 

I also lose sight of what I've already accomplished.  While feeling "nothing" and worrying about depression something I read in a magazine reminded me that I have already accomplished my biggest goal!  It's a writer's magazine entirely devoted to memoir.  The article I read asked several questions in order to help define the theme and the hook of the story.  The most basic question was "What did I want?"  I answered, "I wanted to be a good mom."  Voila!  That's it!  In all the details of themes and story and therapy and publishing I forgot that my story came down to one thing; I wanted to be a good mom.  It was my motivation to quit drinking and work on my behavior and thought patterns.  My kids were my motivation to live and move on.  And I did it.  I'm not perfect by any definition of the word, but I am a good mom.  I mess up a lot and let them stay up too late and I don't give them enough chores to do and they watch things they probably shouldn't, but I'm a good mom.  Jenna comes home today from a 2 1/2 week vacation with her friend's family.  I can't wait to see her.  And I believe she feels the same way about me.