I got an e-mail today from one of my friends to write something on my blog because she likes reading it.  I don't know why I have a hard time believing that anyone wants to read what I'm writing, but I do.  I could say that I'm super busy right now, but I'm always super busy.  I could say that I am being more careful about what I'm writing, so I'm not sure what to write, but I think it's more likely that I don't want to look at what's going on in my life.  I think that's why people like to read my blog, because I try to be transparent and talk about what really happens in my life.  It's not about what I "wish" my life looked like or what I think people will "accept" about my life.  It's just an honest look at my chaotic thoughts, words and deeds, which I THINK are out of the ordinary, but more likely, they are many of the same thoughts, words and deeds you have and that's why you like reading them, because it makes life feel less lonely and chaotic and more "normal". In one of my therapy sessions my therapist said that no one is normal.  Every family has their own dysfunction.  We're just so busy obsessing about our own chaos that we don't see beyond the Oscar winning performances of everyone around us.

I love going to a show, but the best tickets comes with a back stage pass.  Why?  Because we want to see beyond the make up and costumes and acting.  We want to know what the actor/actress is really like, what they really look like and what they really wear and do.  There was a time in my life when I did a lot of acting.  I had a great costume and my smile face was so amazing even I thought it was real.  At some point, I started to get tired and lonely on stage and I started handing out back stage passes.  I told people I struggled with depression and took medication.  I shared that I was a recovering alcoholic.  I started admitting that maybe I couldn't be everything to everyone and I was especially not much at all to myself.  The more back stage passes I handed out, the more back stage passes I was given and I soon found that even though our shows are very different, our life behind the curtain is not.  There's something very comforting knowing we are not all that different.  I know that's a pretty generic, sweeping statement.  But in the "grand scheme of things" I think we all know this in one way or another.

I hope if you've been a regular reader you'll accept my apology for not writing much in the last seven months or so.  I think it'll feel good to get off the stage again, bring my computer behind the curtain and hand out some more back stage passes.