I was reading my Poets and Writers magazine today and found this quote, "Writing filled a fundamental need of her spirit, and she believed creativity not used turned destructive, not least to the self." I thought this was timely after writing my last post which was about making the tough decision between following my creative heart by creating art, writing and opening a store or retreat center vs. sticking to my responsibilities by finishing school and becoming a drug/alcohol counselor. One of the responses to my post was from a friend who has known me for a long time and knows my mood swings and weird thought processes. She said, "You are in your 'all or nothing' pattern again."
She has probably said this to me a hundred times and I'm sure she'll have to say it another hundred times. She explained that I didn't have to start my own business or retreat center in order to create or write something. I could do BOTH creative things and stay in school. I know a few of you said that same thing. I think her words struck me because she preficed it with the problem first; "all or nothing." Those words, "all or nothing" are a red flag for me that I'm out of balance. Knowing that helps me realize I need to take a look at what I'm doing or thinking. When I stop and take a look, things start to add up and make sense, like the fact that I ran out of anti-depressants, so I decided to stay off them and see if I am "normal" yet. (I'm not, but that's another post.) And I was stalling on making an appointment with my therapist. I don't see her very often anymore, but sometimes I need a tune-up and even though I agreed to make an appointment I was avoiding setting it up. And I haven't been to an AA meeting for a couple of weeks.
Looking at the signs, it makes sense that I've been irritable with my family and work and feeling a huge pull to quit school, get into my car and drive around America with my traveling arts and craft store (because staying in one spot sounds like too much commitment). I'm not trying to say that selling art out of a little booth at fairs around America is a bad thing. I am saying that I tend to make decisions on the fly that don't always make sense and I often get myself into bad situations when I do that, which is why I want to say thank you to my friends who help steer my compassless internal GPS and thank you too all the people reading this who are willing to be the kind of friend that doesn't look the other way when their friend is steering themselves into a train wreck. Without friends like you, the world could be one big, endless Woodstock. Well, now that I say that, an endless Woodstock doesn't sound so bad. I wonder where I put my car keys?
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