Forcast: Cloudy Vision with 100% Chance of Mercy

   In my Bible reading today Jesus said, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." The Pharisees are accusing him and his disciples of breaking the Sabbath by picking grain from the field to eat. Jesus tries to explain that the rules were not meant as a track record to see how righteous you can be, but as a means to glorify God. Growing up Mormon we were taught to follow the rules in order to be a good person. I thought I had overcome this misconception when I left Mormonism, but it seems to be human nature to keep a tally of our good deeds and judge each other by our scores.

When I was on the women's ministry team at my church, I spent countless hours writing skits, planning retreats and speaking at Bible studies and I really thought I was doing it all for God. It was my sacrifice! One day my mentor asked me, "Would you put in all the time and effort you're giving if only one person showed up?" My honest answer was, "No." I will never forget her question because it caused me to look at my motives. If I was doing it for God and the women wouldn't one soul be worth the effort? I realized I was doing it for my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-righteousness.


Depression and alcoholism soon stripped me of all my volunteer work, but "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." [Romans 8:28]  I was stuck...alone...with God, and the worst days of my life turned out to be one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. I had to get to the end of myself in order to get to the beginning of a life dependent on Jesus. I no longer looked at how my sacrifices made me worthy of his and everyone elses' approval. I focused on his mercy as all the approval I will ever need and I believed it.

So, would I now spend hours and hours of my time for just one person? I actually prefer it that way. I would much rather get to know someone face to face over coffee and build a relationship with them than speak in front of a hundred women and not get to know any of them. Don't get me wrong, I would get up and speak in a heartbeat just for the adrenaline rush alone, but I understand my motives now and need to constantly pray for unselfishness, because I must be very close to the definition of narcissistic. So, if you don’t feel ‘quite right’ today. Maybe check out your motives. It’s not always easy to pin them down, especially when selfishness clouds our vision, which leads me to accountability...which will have to be another post.