Controlled Chaos

Jumping Over Mental Health Hurdles

2012-02-13T10:37:00.001-06:00

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. It's been another one of those funks, where my moods seems to spiral up and down and up and down and it takes a lot of energy to remain centered. My mind might not be centered but I try to keep my body centered, for instance, I try not to make huge, rash decisions like moving to a new house, switching career paths, planning huge vacations, and beginning radical business ventures. When I feel a little crazy, which seems to happen in cycles, I try to remember some of the skills I've learned in my Behavior Therapy group. My favorite skill is running. It clears my mind and I forget that I was just about to build a log cabin up north with my bare hands and a few trees. But even though it's been a warmer winter than usual, it's still a little cold for me. I'm not one of those tough runners who run no matter what the weather. I love running in the 90 degree weather, but anything below 40 is a big jump for me.

Another skill I can use is "distraction", meaning I find something to keep myself occupied until my crazy thoughts go away. I sort of do that automatically because one crazy thought interrupts another crazy thought and so on, so that it would be hard to get started on the log cabin with my bare hands, because I'm thinking about the book/coffee store I'm going to run down in Afton along the river. And before I can call the rental number on the beautiful building space I found, I am working on my speaking tour that I'll be doing with Beth Moore when she reads my book and invites me to come along with her. Oh, that reminds me! I've been writing a book! I forgot! I've been working on that for seven years now, which makes me think I really do have A.D.D. even though that stupid doctor said I didn't and if I could just take one little pill a day I could have that book done by the end of the week.

Well, I need to wrap this up, because I am working at my internship today and I have a lot to do before then, like making sure my kids have some food to eat when they get home from school. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope you have a wonderful, mentally healthy day!

Who Could Ask For Anything More?

2012-02-02T23:21:00.002-06:00

I've been whining and complaining about a lot of things lately. I whined about working nights at UPS and I've whined about my lack of sleep while going to school. I whine about my new and improved schedule without UPS because I'm working 25 hours a week for no pay. If I didn't have this internship and I could stay home all day, I'd be whining about how I don't have anything to do! When my friends get tired of my whining, they tell me to knock it off, in creative and challenging way, like, "if I was there right now I'd slap you." I think even God gets tired of listening to me whine because every once in awhile I experience something that causes me to realize how great my life is. Sometimes it's the news or someone's caring bridge website that makes me grateful for my health. Sometimes it's a fundraiser for a family that lost their house and I realize that I don't have to worry about where I live. One time it was the date on the calendar which a co-worker pointed out would have been her son's 21st birthday and I thanked God that my children are all alive. This time around I was in the car with my daughter, Jenna. We were talking in the car on our way home from her guitar lessons when she told me a little story. She said that on a website where she posted one of her photographs, someone made a comment and asked her who she looks up to. Jenna told me that she replied, "I look up to my mom." ....hang on, I'm grabbing a tissue. I've been sober for 8 years and I'm working at an outpatient treatment center, so I've seen the destruction that alcoholics leave in their wake. I know I had to do a lot of hard work to get where I am, but I also know there were a lot of intervening people and things that made my recovery possible; things that I could not have done by myself. So, I apologize for whining so much lately, because knowing my daughter looks up to me makes me wonder; who could ask for anything more?

Who Am I?

2012-01-25T14:10:00.000-06:00

At my internship yesterday I had to catagorize some numbers on a guide sheet and my supervisor handed me a ruler before I started making lines and said, "here, you look like a ruler person," meaning you look like someone that doesn't just slap a line on a page, but likes to have things neat and in order; a perfectionist. I'm always surprised when people tag me as anything other than a laid back, easy going, messy, artistic type of person, because that is who I have pretended to be for so many years. Why do I pretend to be the Type B, laid back, easy going person? I think it's because I'm afraid of getting hurt emotionally in my real skin. In my fake skin I can handle things when they don't go the way I planned or wanted. I pretend it doesn't bother me when my house isn't clean and I pretend I don't care if someone doesn't have time to talk to me. I can pretend that it doesn't matter that I'm not superhuman and I can't do my night job at UPS as well as my internship during the day and still be a mom, wife, and secretary of all the details at home.

The hardest part of this charade is not recognizing it, but realizing and owning who I really am. I'm a perfectionist which causes a lot of anxiety when things are not just as I want them to be. I'm an overacheiver and feel very disappointed with myself when I can't accomplish the unrealistic goals I set for myself. I am very sensitive and I read into what people say and don't say and I'm constantly afraid of losing the people that are closest to me. I counter my fear of losing people by pretending I'm an island and don't really need anyone in my life and it makes me very lonely. I hold onto past hurts for years at a time and I have a hard time moving forward because it's easier for me to be a martyr and a victum than to be a survivor and hero, which takes forgiveness and honesty and strength.

To be fair to myself, I have come a long way, but sometimes little things come up, like being handed a ruler or being challenged by a friend and it's time to stop and think and remind myself it's not about where I am going as much as it's about who I am becoming.

Wisdom in Fairy Tales and Folklore

2012-01-11T03:22:00.001-06:00

I used to dismiss old fairy tales like The Tortoise and The Hare, because they were old and they didn't make any sense. How can a turtle win a race against a rabbit? After ten years of running in circles I figured it out. Being more like the rabbit, I can see how people like myself don't have a chance against the turtle because after the first five minutes we've completely forgotten we were even in a race. The latest fairly tale I'm beginninng to understand is the story about solving the problem of the loud noise. I can't remember exactly how it goes, but this guy can't sleep because of a noise that is bothering him. I think it might be a farm animal. Then there's another noise and another noise and the volume continues to get louder and louder until everything stops except for the orginal noise that was keeping him up in the first place. The man drifts soundly off to sleep, because that one little noise is no longer so bad.

I've been whining and complaining a lot of my job at UPS, because IT'S HARD! My arms ache, I can't sleep on my side anymore because it hurts my shoulders and my sleep schedule is all messed up. This week I started my internship as a drug counselor. Like the sleepless story above, there's nothing like a second job that makes the first one not seem so bad. Monday I worked as an intern from 1-9:30p.m., came home, changed and left for UPS. Worked there from 10:30-2:45, then got up again today for the internship from 10-2:00 and back to UPS from 10:30-2:00. Tomorrow I have the whole day OFF! I'm ecstatic about sleeping in and going to the grocery store and ironing some shirts. I never get excited about those things, but like the noisy fairy tale, starting this second job (internship) is making my time at UPS a whole lot easier.

So, if your kids are driving you crazy, invite twenty of their best friends over for a few hours! If you're dog is waking you up too early in the morning, borrow a rooster for a few days. Is your spouse driving you a little nuts? Have your mother-in-law over for an evening. Like they say, perception is everything. Sleep tight!

Mistake #1 in 2012: I am NOT Coupon Suzy!

2012-01-07T23:37:00.000-06:00

If you didn't read the last post I quoted someone who wrote about making mistakes in this new year, because you don't really live unless you are making mistakes. Well, I'm really living because I'm already making mistakes. I decided that one of the ways for me to get out of my UPS job was to become the coupon queen like those new celebrities on the coupon shows who pay $1.95 for $1,000 worth of groceries. I thought even if I don't save 99.9% on my shopping, saving something is better than nothing! So, I got some coupon queen e-mails, read through the flyers, cut out some coupons, and made a grocery list. By the time I was ready to go to the store, I couldn't find my list or the coupons. I was not discouraged. I cut out some more coupons and made a new list. I wanted to get to the grocery store today because Saturday's are double coupon day at Rainbow. By the time I finally got to the store I realized I had forgotten my wallet. Luckily I figured it out before I actually put groceries in my cart. I went home thinking I would just pick up my wallet and head back to the store, but I couldn't find my wallet at home either. I looked for an hour until I finally found it in the washing machine.

I am definately discouraged now, but it reminds me of something I learned in therapy; don't try to be someone you are not. I already know I'm not organized. I will probably lose my wallet or my keys a hundred more times in the next twenty years. So, my first new year resolution is going to be "focus on the things I'm good at." That's a little vague, but it says a lot to me. I hardly ever take the time to do things I'm good at because I'm always spending time trying to get better at things I'm not good at. Besides writing, I've always wanted to try some creative projects like making a table out of mosaic tiles, decorating my house with antiques, especially very old books and renovating an old house. I was going to spend some time tomorrow going through the coupons in the paper, but I think I'll start looking for mosaic tiles instead. Renovating a house might be biting off more than I can chew right now.

2012

2012-01-02T02:23:00.000-06:00

I feel like I should be making some new year resolutions right now. I've felt like that for a few days now, but I can't think of any. I would love to have everything in my house to have a place, maybe even labeled?! But that will happen when the stars align and cause a shift in the universe. I would also love to be more disciplined, but that would be a lot of work. I lost some weight at UPS, but I still have a little to go and it would be nice if I had a little bit of tone on something below my waist. When I was younger, it didn't really matter what I ate as long as I went running, but I don't think I'll get any of that weight loss or toning without watching the high amounts of sugar I eat every day.

I always feel like a failure when I make goals that I don't reach. The last couple of years I haven't made any resolutions because I didn't want to fail. But I read something on facebook that changed my mind. Someone quoted Beth Anderson Lippert. Ya, I don't know who she is either, but I like her quote, "I hope that in this year to come you make mistakes, because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're doing something. So, that's my wish for you, and all of us and myself. make new mistakes. Make glorious mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

I'm going to print this out and put it up somewhere I will see it so I don't forget that making mistakes is ok, because I really don't want to go through a whole year again frozen in fear and making excuses for getting things done....like my book!

Magic Time Machine

2011-12-29T02:32:00.000-06:00

Christmas always comes and goes a little too fast for me. It's like a freight train whizzing by me as I stand on the platform, my hair blowing. The lights and people speed by so fast, I pause for a moment after it passes and wonder what just happened. I have often wished for a magical time piece that could actually stop time. Everyone could be frozen but me so I could enjoy a moment a little longer, get more sleep than I have time for or just catch up on a few things that I never seem to get to!

The closest thing I can get to the freezing time is enjoying a moment. In one of my groups we called it "meditation." It freaked me out at first. I wasn't going to do some weirdo crazy meditation stuff. I figured out that meditation just meant trying to make my mind still. Slowing down enough to know where I am and what I'm feeling. One of the first things I tried this on was eating dinner. Usually I'm walking around eating or watching tv and eating or eating and reading, paying bills, shuffling through papers, etc. The goal was to focus on the food I was eating and experience it, sense it, taste it, don't do anything but eat. It didn't make my food taste any better, but after many exercises like this I learned to be still enough to experience the moment I was in rather than be thinking about the next twenty thousand moments that are coming up.

I forget about this little exercise a lot, but tonight after work when I immediately jumped into tomorrow's worries, I remembered it and decided to be "in the moment" rather than living in tomorrow before it gets here. I took the long way home, played some nice music and enjoyed the ride. I wish the ride was longer, because now that I'm home, I'm having a hard time enjoying anything. I need to go to bed, and I usually lie awake for a long time thinking about the next day. Maybe tonight I'll try to focus on just being warm and cozy in my bed because tomorrow's going to be there whether I'm thinking about it or not.

Choosing The Green Lantern

2011-12-23T04:40:00.000-06:00

It's a family tradition for us to write clues on our Christmas presents, like a pair of socks might say, "sock it to me." One of the clues I made for this year is for the movie, The Green Lantern. If you don't know, a ring choses a man and he becomes the Green Lantern super hero. So, on the gift where it says, "To:" I wrote, "To: Whomever the gift chooses." Then I put the Green Lantern symbol below it. Jenna picked it up tonight and read the clue. Then she said, "Mom! That's such a good clue! I'm so proud of you for knowing that!" It was a wonderful moment for me, because not that many years ago I didn't know much about anything my kids were into. I knew everything about women's ministry at our church. I knew how to run Bingo at the school Carnival every year. I knew what was going on with all 342 of my best friends because I kept up with EVERYBODY! And I was so into making things perfect during the holidays I ironed the cloth napkins for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. (I think that's about the time I started drinking, lol.)

I was trying to be the perfect person and loved by many. I ended up being a chaotic busy person and it didn't matter how many people loved me, because I didn't know my kids. During my years of therapy, my biggest goal was to figure out how to be a good mom. I learned that I'd never be close to my kids unless I learned to slow down and listen. So, painfully, I forced myself to stop whatever I was doing when any of them started talking to me. And if they asked me to do something with them, I told myself there was nothing more important than spending those moments with them. Again, I painfully put down whatever I was doing (including WRITING!) and I participated in whatever they asked of me. This was amazingly hard for a long time. I don't remember when it changed, but after awhile it had become natural and I was putting down anything to spend more time with them, even keeping them up late at night to play xbox with me. Ha!

I now have a pretty good balance between getting things done and spending time with my kids. Sometimes I have to say no, but I spend enough time with them now that they understand and they know I will make time for them when they need it. I probably lean more toward playing with them than getting things done, but if I have to lean one way or the other, I'm happy to tip the scales their way. With the clock ticking down the time they have left at home, I'd rather remember snuggling on the couch to watch the The Green Lantern with them than remembering that the bathroom was clean.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

2011-12-19T05:12:00.001-06:00

A Charlie Brown Christmas is one of my favorite shows at Christmas time.  Like Charlie Brown, I get a little moody before Christmas.  Christmas, like most holidays, makes me anxious. I'm anxious about getting my house clean. I'm anxious about getting the Christmas cards out. I'm anxious about getting the Christmas cards right. I'm anxious about trimming the tree, putting up the outdoor lights, making Christmas cookies, buying the right gifts, paying the right bills, doing the laundry, making time for friends, getting enough sleep, getting enough work, getting enough food in the refrigerator for my growing 13 year old boy! I think my anxiety comes from the expectations I put on myself. I want to make every Christmas the best Christmas ever for my kids. I want to make lasting memories and traditions they'll remember with fondness for the rest of their lives.

So, is this realistic?  All I want is for their lives to be free of pain and full of happiness. I want them to have wonderful memories instead of sad and lonely regrets. I want to shield them from criticism, profanity, things that chip away at their innocence, loss, betrayal, dissappointment, and everything else on this earth intended for evil. But that is probably why my anxiety is so high, because I don't make a great shield. I probably add more criticism, profanity and dissappointment in their lives at home than they get outside our home. Like Charlie Brown, I seem to make a pretty good mess of things. Fortunately, Linus redirects me to the true meaning of Christmas:

6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
⁷ Of the greatness of his government and peace
there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne
and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.   -Isaiah 9:6-7

I can never be everything for my kids, but I can rest in the fact that God sent His very own son from the comforts of heaven to a cold, sparse manger to be my kid's Wonderful Counselor, their Mighty God, an Everlasting Father to them and their very own Prince of Peace. If I could let go of my unrealistic expectations of myself and stop trying to be God, maybe some of my anxiety would melt away and some of my problems would dissolve and we could enjoy family traditions and make lasting memories of a very Merry Christmas.

Stilettos to Steel Toes

2011-12-16T04:14:00.000-06:00

I had an orientation Tuesday for the internship I will be starting in January at a chemical dependency clinic. Later that day I was walking into work at UPS and as I was clomping across the parking lot in my steel toe boots with my work gloves hanging out of my back pocket I thought about the diversity of my wardrobe for these two jobs. I do not actually own any stilettos, but it sounded good as a title for my post. The last time I bought heels from a salesperson I asked if they came in a lower heel. The saleswoman said that's as low a heel as you can buy.

I've had a fair number of jobs in the past. My first job was washing dishes at the Gausthaus. My second job was as a soda jerk at Donatelli's in White Bear Lake. I liked that job because it was either super busy or very quiet and I was never sitting down. Eventually, I thought I wanted a grown up job, so I talked my way into a front desk secretary job at a commercial real estate place. The only reason I got an interview was because I wrote softball under my hobbies and the employees happened to have a team. I hated sitting at a desk all day and I didn't get a lot of actual work done, but I had a wonderful conversation with everyone that came in the door and happy customers was good for the business. I quit two weeks before I had Andy. I made it almost a year there. I tried working at a marketing place a few years ago. Again, I sat at a desk and my brain turned to mush. I only made it five months there. My favorite job so far is my "smelly" job. I'm an assessor at St. Croix Sensory where I get paid to smell stuff. I only work 20 hours a month there at the most, so it's not a reliable income job, but who else gets paid to smell stuff? I got a temporary job correcting tests at DRC in Woodbury. It turned out to be more temporary than I thought. I made it about 6 weeks through one project and then I wasn't asked to come back for the second one even though they needed people. I did a good job according to the numbers, but I think playing Bingo and passing notes was frowned upon. I was grateful to leave because reading the same test for 8 hours a day was making me want to poke my eyes out.

This last time around I decided I needed a job that would keep me busy. No more desk jobs. I applied at Michael's craft store, but I didn't pass the online psychological test. Not super surprising, I guess. Then I found the UPS job. It didn't pay much but it did reimburse students for tuition and that's exactly why I was getting a job. On our tour they explained how loading the truck was a little like playing Tetris, you have to fit the boxes into the spaces and do it fast or fall behind and everything stacks up just like the game. I was hooked. It's hard work, but I like the people I work with and I lost some weight. The problem is that Tetris is not fun forever. So, it will be a relief to move onto a new venture in chemical dependency soon. I will be sitting at a desk half the time doing paperwork, but I think the other half will keep me interested because even though there is a system for helping people get sober, everyone is different, which should make every day a little bit different. (I hope.) So, even though I'm more comfortable in my steel toe boots I will be happy to trade them in for my half inch heels. I'm sure I could use those steel toe boots for projects around the house.

Random Post

2011-12-12T21:30:00.000-06:00

I have to leave for work in twenty minutes, so this is a random post update. SCHOOL IS DONE...for the semester. I start my internship in January. I still have two more classes to do at the same time I'm doing the 880 hours of internship work, but it'll fit in somewhere. I'm going to keep working at UPS as long as I can handle the schedule of 25 hours a week at the chemical dependency internship and the 17 - 20 hours at UPS.

I have a family picture from this summer I wanted to use for our Christmas photo, but Johnny looks about 2 years older now than he did 6 months ago, so he wants us to take a new picture. Jenna doesn't look older, but her hair color right now is really cool vs. the faded red in our summer picture. And I guess I've lost 13 pounds since the picture with all the heavy lifting at work, so a new picture is in the works. I wanted to take it tonight before work, but we still have boxes of half open ornaments, wrapping paper strewn after a frenzy of Jenna helping me wrap stuff. And other miscillaneous things I don't notice until we take a picture and the junk in the backround suddenly jumps off the page.

I only have a little bit of time left and I'm trying to hold a conversation with Andy and Johnny. Two different conversations, of course. I think they can tell I'm not really listening. I'm say "wow" and "interesting" a lot, which is what I say when I'm not listening. I think Johnny figured that one out when he was six. Time flies. And now, I'm not only done with school and getting ready to go to work, but I'm beginning to turn my mind back to my book, which I would like to get published before I start my internship. I'll let you know, because as many of you know I've been making deadlines for that book now for years. Ta ta. Goodnight~!

God Doesn't Believe in Atheists?

2011-12-02T03:26:00.000-06:00

I saw a bumper sticker today that says, "God doesn't believe in atheists." Does that drive anyone else crazy but me??? Obviously, it's supposed to be a comeback to the atheist who says they don't believe in God. The problem is that this directly contradicts what God says and has said and more importantly what He has already done! God not only BELIEVES in the atheist, He DIED for that athiest. He died for the atheists just as much as He died for the idiot who wrote that bumper sticker. Things like that bumper sticker really tick me off because some people give such a wrong and terribly hurtful view of God that they turn people away from God rather than bring people to Him.

I have a pretty regular cycle of roller coaster emotions. On top of that I like to take control of everything around me and try to bend it to my will. Of course, most of the things I want to bend are not bendable, so it's a little frustrating. My frustration at life often gets directed toward God and I'm mad at Him because I know He has the power to make my life feel better. I know logically that might not be the best thing for me at the time and that God knows what's best for me, but when I'm in pain and frustrated I don't have the perfect Christian attitude of, "whatever you want to do, God. I'll praise you in the rain." There's a few songs on Christian radio that talk about praising God in the middle of pain and hurt. I guess I haven't grown to that point yet. I turn the station. BUT, the best part of my bad attitude and my impatience and inability to let go of control, is that God believes in me. My favorite part about God is that His love for me doesn't change with my mood swings. His commitment to me doesn't swerve because I'm mad at Him. And His plans for me are for my good to have a hope and a future, even when I'm wrestling for control.

So, if I were to write a bumper sticker it would say, "God believes in the Atheist, the Jew, the Muslims, the Wickens, the Scientologists, and even some of the Christians." I say that because if Christians are the body of Christ, we very often shoot ourselves in the foot. One of the coolest things I found when I became a Christian was that the weight of the world is NOT resting on my shoulders. What a RELIEF! For everyone else, including the athiest, the weight of the world IS resting on their shoulders and isn't that enough without so called Christians riding on them too?

Why Do You Read This Blog?

2011-11-26T18:48:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about what I wanted to post today and I tried, like I've been doing for years, to think of what you like to read. Then it came to me; why don't I just ASK!? So, with that said, I'm going to try to explain in one paragraph why I write this blog and in the comments I would love to hear WHY you read it. I think your comments will give me a better idea what you want to hear.

I wondered for a long time why I like to write at all and though it sounds really simple, I think I was just born with that gift and people feel good when they're working with their gifts. I also have a bit of a rebellious streak that doesn't appreciate a lot of the unjustices I see around me and writing seems like the best way for me to vent my frustration and/or make people aware of another perspective on a particular topic. I also like to write to celebrate an event or share an "aha" moment when the stars align to show me some revelation that I couldn't grasp before and now has opened my eyes. I write when I'm sad, mad, happpy, bored, and busy. I just like to write.

So now, help me write fewer boring posts by adding your two cents. Why do you read this blog? If you have trouble commenting and want to add your opinion you can send it my e-mail: jlguiton@comcast.net. I'm trying to go through the settings one more time to make it easier to comment. I know that's been a problem in the past. Thank you for taking the time to add your opinion and for reading my blog.

p.s. Feel free to leave a comment about other things you like or dislike that are on the blog page. Is there something you'd like to see or not see? Any advice is accepted.

Fast and Furious Trip to Vegas

2011-11-21T02:06:00.001-06:00

J.B. had a work conference in Las Vegas last week and I decided to meet up with him there for part of his trip. We don't spent much time together, so even though we didn't have much time or money we thought our relationship was worth the investment and we were right. It was great to spend some time together without the kids and especially without the dogs. I didn't realize how needy they are until I went to bed and listened for a dog to whine to go out because they always wait until we get all snuggled and warm under the covers before they decide they need one more potty break before bed.

We did a little gambling, no drinking and lots of walking. We walked through most of the hotels along the strip as well as the old part of town. We drove down to the Hoover Dam and spent the afternoon site seeing and having lunch and dinner together. I went up to Mount Charleston one day while JB was at his conference. It was nice to get out of the city, but I didn't like that there was no one to share the amazing views with. It was beautiful, but lonely. I have a friend who is an empty nester for the first time this year. It makes me think about how many years we have until then. Andy is a junior and Jenna is right behind him as a sophomore. Johnny still has five years, but I know that will go by fast, so I've already begun to think about what I want to do with JB after our kids leave home. It's weird because I haven't thought about what I want for a long time. There are some little things I want like sleep and money and a few moments at home alone, but I haven't thought beyond those small things, so I started a list of things I want to do. ...I can't find my list, but I think I only had one thing on it, so I can start a new list. I don't remember what my one thing was, but I'm sure I can come up with something. Maybe thinking about what I want will help me get through school, work, my lack of sleep and the last few details I need to do in order to publish my book.

Sleep Deprivation is Becoming the Norm

2011-11-17T05:10:00.000-06:00

What better time to update my blog then now while I'm waiting for the battery to charge in JB's van. JB doesn't come home until tomorrow (which is today because it's five in the morning) so I wouldn't have even known his battery was dead except that the tire blew out in our other van while Andy was driving it home from church tonight. Luckily, he called a half an hour before I had to leave for work so I had time to pick him up, drop off his friend and look at my shredded tire. Since I had to leave for work I waited to deal with the van until I was done. I got off at 3:00 and waited by the van until the AAA tow came to pick it up at 4:30. Meanwhile, I told Andy to drive his dad's van to school in the morning. That's when we realized the battery was dead. So, I have it hooked up to jumper cables right now. I was hoping it would start before I went to bed, so I didn't have to get up at 7 to drive Andy to his bus stop, but I have to get up at 8 anyway for my classes at Century. I'm not sure at this point if I would feel better staying up all night or if a couple of hours of shut eye would be helpful.

Well, that didn't work. I would skip class today except I skipped Tuesday because I went Vegas with JB. He has a conference there for work and I'd never been to Vegas and we haven't been together alone in many, many years. So, I can't afford to miss another day of class. I would love to write more, but I think I'm going to try to get an hour and a half of sleep before I have to take Andy to school. Coffee is my friend. Coffee is my friend. Coffee is my friend. So is ibuprofin. I'll fill you in more later!

Sorry, You're Stuck With Me

2011-10-27T00:47:00.000-05:00

One of our family's favorite TV shows is Modern Family. Claire is a mom on the show. She's the high energy, crack the whip, neurotic mom. Her husband, Phil, is the softy, play with the kids kind of Dad. He is shaken up in the latest episode because his neighbors are getting divorced. He's shaken because they seemed like a happy, perfect couple. With his neighbors perfectly happy marriage breaking up, he starts to worry that his marriage might be in trouble and he doesn't even know it! Meanwhile, Claire is being her neurotic self and planning the perfect Halloween evening with everyone in her family playing a role when the trick or treaters come to the house. Of course, no one does it the way she wants it done and she is frustrated because she's a control freak. Phil finally gets Claire's attention by the end of the show to explain that he's worried about their marriage. At the same time Claire realizes how crazy she is and that she has again stepped over the line to make everyone do crazy things to make her happy. When Phil questions her about whether they are ok, she says, "don't worry, you're stuck with me." JB and I relate a lot to Phil and Claire. I'm fairly unpredictable and neurotic and controlling. JB is a guy, so he has no idea what I'm thinking most of the time and I give him plenty of reasons to wonder about our marriage, but when it comes right down to it, I very often say something to the effect of, "you're stuck with me."

I'm almost done with my book, "Controlled Chaos" so I have my sites on the next book, which is going to be about marriage. The reason I want to write this book so much is because I know so many people with troubled marriages and I know I can write from a perspective of, "If we can make it, anyone can make it!" I think people have this idea in their minds that marriage is supposed to be about love and happiness, because that's what we learn from the media. Love and happiness are only the tip of the ice berg, there's also commitment, loyalty, selflessness, convenience, responsibility, duty, promises, etc, the list goes on and on. I think when I feel love and happiness about my marriage it's not because I have all the above traits. It's because I don't have many of those good traits, but I am working and fighting through them and when we make it to the other side of one of those arguments/fights/silent treatments, we feel closer. It's sort of like my running. I don't run because I like how it feels. I run because I like how I feel after I'm done.

So, after watching Modern Family tonight, Claire helped me out a ton, because she gave me the perfect title which sums it all up, "Sorry, You're Stuck With Me." I think that will go nicely next to "Controlled Chaos".

Message from Pastor Stephen King

2011-10-20T02:15:00.000-05:00

This is the first school year in a long time that I haven't signed up to be in a Bible study. I miss it very much, but working nights and going to school full time, doesn't leave any extra room. I also haven't been to church in awhile. I miss that too, but going to church hasn't been the same after a majority of my friends left. That's another story I haven't figured out yet, but it has definately shaken my faith in being part of a church. So, it took me by surprise to find God in the middle of my Stephen King book. Yes, the Stephen King who wrote, The Shining, It, Carrie, Misery, Cujo, and lots of other scary, stories. I'm reading the 1,141 page The Stand. There's an old lady in this story who talks to God a lot. She is the oldest living person on earth and she wishes she could just could be done on this earth, but God has given her one last thing to do. Although she complains about her aches and pains and her fears, she talks about how God is GOD, not someone who asks for our opinions or works around our likes and dislikes. When Abagail starts whining she says she feels like Moses at the burning bush where God says, "I am, I AM." What more is there to say?! I often get so wrapped up in my own life and all my wants and needs and likes and dislikes and justice and injustices, that I forget who I am. I know God loves me, but I also know I am NOT the center of the universe as much as I would like to be.

In King's story there is a young man named, Nick. Abigail has been told by God that Nick is to be their leader. When Abigail passes this message on to Nick along with some other things God has told her, Nick says, "I don't believe in God." Another character in the story gets tense wondering if Nick has upset this old woman with his blatant remark. But Abigail has known God for a very long time and she responds to Nick with a smile on her face, "Bless you, Nick, but that don't matter. He believes in you." In that one sentence, "Pastor" Stephen King reminds me that God is in control, not me. I can believe and think and act on all kinds of things and thoughts and feelings, but God's plans trump mine in every case on every day in every circumstance. In other words, I hear, "Jenny, you can get off the hamster wheel now and rest. I've got it covered. Get some sleep." -from God.

I love how God doesn't just use church or the Bible or a book written by Max Lucado or Beth Moore to talk to us. He'll use anything to get our attention; burning bushes, talking donkeys, clouds, Bruce Almighty, pillars of fire, even Stephen King. I told my daughter today that if I trusted God more than I do, my life would not be so crazy all the time. So, why don't I? Because even if I am making my life a chaotic mess, at least I know I am in a chaotic mess. Giving up control of my life means not knowing where we are going and that to me is even scarier than these Stephen King stories. Maybe I should stop reading about someone elses scary, adventurous life and start living my own adventures! Maybe, but first I have another 550 pages to read.

Losing Track of the Big Rocks

2011-10-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

As I've said in my last posts, I've added a lot of "stuff" to my life. They all seem important and if they weren't important, but I wanted to do them anyway, I made up some reason for them to be important. Either way, I have stuffed my life so full, there's not much wiggle room for coffee or walks or reading or knitting (yes, I knit sometimes, no lie). And I am now contemplating some extra work time with Christmas coming and bills getting bigger and I'm pretty sure some of our money is wherever the lost socks are. This overtime work I'm looking at would pretty much be insane, but I was thinking that I could do "insane" for one month. Then I picked up a book today off my shelf. I was looking for a school book when I grabbed this one and one of the three pages I read was about fitting the big rocks in the jar first.

Most of us have heard this analogy. You can fit a lot more rocks into a jar if you fit the big rocks in first. And the big rocks are priorities. My big rocks are my family, close friends, my book and school. My part time jobs are just a means to an end. They are the little rocks, yet I keep pouring the little rocks into the jar. It's only a matter of time before my jar cracks and jars are not very useful when they're broken.

I don't think I happened upon this book and the rock story this morning by accident. It's a comforting feeling to know that God is still trying to lay out the map in front of me so I quit going the wrong direction. He is an ever patient navigator, and if I trusted Him, I know He'd do a better job driving than I do.

Chaos

2011-10-15T16:14:00.000-05:00

I finally went out to lunch with one of my friends. Ok, she's not just one of my friends, she is one of my best friends. When we haven't seen each other for awhile I tell myself that we've been SO busy lately. She reminds me that I usually avoid her when I'm out making a mess of my life. My default mode is chaos, meaning when I isolate myself and make all my decisions without some outside advice, I start running a hundred miles an hour on the hamster wheel, thinking I'm getting somewhere, when really all I'm doing is stinking up my cage.

It's probably not unlike my old alcoholic thoughts when I say, "I'm not doing too much. I have a plan. I'm handling my schedule ok!" Then I look at what I'm doing. I'm taking four college classes. I work about twenty-five hours a week at my two part time jobs, one of which keeps me up until 4 a.m. most mornings. I take a lot of ibuprofin now because loading 1,000 boxes every night takes a toll, so the little bit of sleep I get isn't really great. Oh ya, I'm also finishing up my book, which I try to squeeze in between homework and tests and laundry and dishes. And I still have three kids who have places to go and lucky me, they like spending time with me too. Fantasy football wouldn't take a lot of my time except I CAN'T LOSE! So I spend a lot of computer time looking for the next sleeper who is going to take me to the superbowl. I started seeing Heidi Salonek, chiropractor for my neck and back. Jenna has guitar lessons. Johnny has football practice and games and Andy is doing Improv every Sunday.

Since I can't completely quit doing activities like I quit drinking, I need to keep in contact with my friends so I can get some feedback and they can point out the red flags that I don't see or choose to ignore. I am going to start an internship in January and I still have two more classes to take, so even though my life is a little crazy, I have opportunities right now to get feedback so I can attempt to balance my schedule a bit. I have some work options coming up. At UPS, there is a lot of overtime available from Thanksgiving until Christmas with all the holiday packages moving through. I've thought about being a driver's helper. I would go out with a driver every day on their eight hour route, come home and sleep for 3 or 4 hours, then head to my regular job which goes from 10:30 - 3 or 4:00 a.m. or however long it takes. It seems pretty crazy, so I should probably run this little idea by someone... maybe. :)

Andy Doing Improv @ BNW 4:00 Sun Oct 2nd

2011-09-30T02:27:00.000-05:00

Andy's first show at The Brave New Workshop is this Sunday, October 2nd at 4:00 p.m. 2605 Hennepin Avenue. Take 94 to Minneapolis. Take the Hennepin South Exit which vears to the left. Go about ten blocks or so and it's across from Chipotle.  I turn around and park on the street in front of the park. I have no idea what it will be about, but I have heard from several people that they love The Brave New Workshop, so if you've been to BNW and are willing to leave a comment to this post, I would love to hear about it.

I think I've mentioned this before, but when my kids were little I thought Andy was going to be exactly like his dad because their pictures at the same age are identical. The only way you can tell which on is JB and which on is Andy is because JB is in the black and white photo and he's wearing one of those 70's white suit coats with his huge brown shirt collars overlapping the suit lapels about four inches. And Jenna looked a lot like me at that age, so I just assumed her personality was similar to mine too. Well, they turned out completely opposite. I've talked a bit about Andy, so I'll tell you a little discovery I made today about Jenna.

I went to Dr. Heidi Salonek of Oak Springs Chiropractic today to get my first ever adjustment. I brought Jenna with me to get an evaluation because she has some back pain from her slight scoliosis.   Heidi asked me if I wanted a manual adjustment or this other thing. Manual means she uses her hands to snap things back into place. I opted for the manual because it seemed like so much more for the money! Plus, I got a completely unexpected adrenaline rush. Bonus. Didn't even have to pay extra.

It was after Heidi did my adjustment that I got to see a side of Jenna I didn't realize was so like her father.  She asked me if I really thought that cracking my back a few times was really going to make my back better. I felt like I was talking to JB. I told her she didn't have to do it, but her doctor doesn't have any solutions for her, so it's this or physical therapy. I think she's going to try it out. I told Heidi Jenna will want to know technical stuff like what vertabrae she's looking at and what exactly she's doing in there. I should maybe care more, but when I go to a health professional all I want to do is feel better. I don't want to know details, I just want them to make me feel good. I'm anxious to see if I can sleep tonight without my neck hurting. I'll let you know.

2011-09-25T13:10:00.000-05:00

What a morning. I'm sitting on a comfy chair in front of the tv awaiting the kick off of the Vikings game with my computer on my lap and my fantasy football line up dialed up and ready to kick some butt! ...well, my quarter back, Michael Vick, sounds like he hit his head again and is out for the game. I think I'll go back to my writing and start some laundry and vacuum on the next commercial.

Since my good attitude just plumetted, I'll tell you about the newspaper article I read this morning. I don't usually read the paper, because it makes me mad, but I keep picking it up now and then and it happened again. On the front page was an article about Jim Oberstar's bill a few years back which gave schools all around the country money for sidewalks and other things that would make it easier for kids to walk to school, thus helping to eliminate childhood obesity. ...what??? The writer of the article interviewed parents at Bailey Elementary School and asked why such a high percentage of kids are driven to school rather than walk. One parent mentioned that they worried about their kid getting abducted. Where is this article going? No one mentioned that Bailey road is a fifty five mile an hour highway and no one would let their third grader navigate their way through rush hour traffic. The only elementary school in Woodbury set up for walkers is Stonemill Farms where the Stepford Wives can send their children to school, the pool, hockey rink or movie theater without any worries.

The problem is why does one person in politics get to spend 83 million of our hard earned dollars to stamp out obesity by giving schools money so kids will walk??? Stupid! I don't know exactly why my kids don't have a weight problem. Not only have they never walked to school, their five year old bikes look brand new! Genetics? Lack of psychological shame? I let them eat all the sugar they want and we never eat together. I think that 83 million dollars would have been better off in the pockets of the people who earned it. Why do we keep electing people who tell us how THEY are going to spend OUR money? Ok, I know I'm just venting because I'm losing right now in fantasy football and I hate losing, but my point is still relavent and I don't have anything to do but sit here and wait for the scores to come in. I need to go make an omlette. Johnny has a game today. THAT is something to look forward to!

Andy is Seventeen Today!

2011-09-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

My oldest son, Andy turns seventeen today. For some reason that sounds so much older than sixteen. When I think of sixteen, I think of "sweet sixteen" and "sixteen candles". When I think of seventeen I think of graduations and army recruiters. Lucky for me, Andy's girlfriend made him swear he wouldn't join the army. He's also so busy with Police Explorers and Improv theater that I don't think he has time to think about joining the army.

Being a junior this year, he's taking on a lot more responsibility and he seems like he's matured a lot over the last few months. Part of that is he's been forced to take on more responsibility since I started working and going back to school. The other part is that he is getting better at letting things go and becoming more proactive and much less reactive. Of all the great qualities Andy possesses his ability to empathize with people is one of his greatest. This caring quality has been apparent since he was a little kid. He never cared about being everyones friend. He just wanted to be friends with the kid that seemed to be left out. He even felt terrible for punching Joey, his neighborhood friend/bully after Joey threatened to steal his bike. Luckily Joey's mom grew up in North St. Paul and let us know they were glad Andy punched him because Joey had it coming.

I think one of the reasons Andy is good at empathizing is that he feels things so deeply. Something he said the other day really surprised me about the amount of insight he is gaining. I don't remember what happened that made him think this but he said, "it must be hard to be a parent when your child is hurting." I totally agreed with him and when I thought about that comment later in the day I realized that is only half of the story. Nothing hurts worse than seeing your child in pain, but nothing is better than watching your child overcome and succeed. We are so proud you, Andy!

Controlled Chaos Book Cover

2011-09-14T19:48:00.000-05:00

I've been at UPS now for 51 days. Four of those days were training. 47 of those days were very hard work. It was kind of fun at first, probably because it was new, but now it's just grueling work. I'm in four classes at Century to get my Chemical Dependency License. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class at 9:30, so I get 4 1/2 hours of sleep because I get to bed around 4 a.m. after work. I'm not bringing this up for you to feel sorry for me, though I will totallly accept sympathy notes and prayers. I'm bringing this up because it is another motivator for me to finish my book!

This is the working book cover or in other words, it's what Jenna and I have come up with so far. Actually, Jenna came up with it. She's a fabulous photographer for the few people that didn't know that already, so I knew I wanted her to take the picture for the cover. We've been talking about different ideas, but she took this one last weekend while we were in Alexandria at the Arrowwood Resort where we stay every year for the Emergency Medical Services Conference.
I didn't really leave any time in my crazy schedule to finish writing, but being sick (I have a bad cold that is draining me) and tired, I will make time to get this done! So, here is a sneak peak. Next I will write and post the synposis which I hope to put on the back cover.

2011-09-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

The last blog I mentioned Andy was trying out for the Youth improv team at the Brave New Workshop. HE MADE IT! So, they will have free shows the first Sunday of the month starting in October. I will update the blog with times and dates when we get them. I'm so excited I can't wait! I've heard from several people that they love going to the shows. I had never heard of this place before Andy started drama school, but I don't get out much.

Andy started school last week. The other two start on Tuesday and I can't wait! I love summer and I love hanging out with my kids, but i'm ready for an uninterrupted hour, where I can read, clean, blog, etc without someone asking me a question, asking me to drive somewhere, asking me where something is, etc. I've been in the bathroom a lot lately, because I can lock the door like I did when they were little, but just like then, they eventually find me, so back to school week has been a great time for me counting down the days until I have a quiet afternoon with my dogs.

Improv at the Brave New Workshop

2011-08-21T00:32:00.000-05:00

I said in the last post I would tell you about Andy's night at the Improv! I know, I'm surprised I remembered too. I didn't really remember, I just read the last post before writing this one. Anyway, Andy will be a Junior this year at St. Paul Conservatory for the Performing Arts. (SPCPA) His improv teacher told him he should try out for the Youth Improv team at Dudley Riggs Brave New Workshop. I signed him up for an Improv class last week at the Brave New Workshop for some practice and more importantly some "face time" in front of the people he will most likely be trying out for.

He enjoyed the class, learned a lot and got some great practice. The last day of the week parents were invited for an improv show. Some of the kids in the class are brand new at theater so Andy had some advantage having attended a drama school all last year. His experience came through during the show. He had the audience laughing out loud and at one point one of the other students used an opportune moment to say, "Andy, stop raising the bar so high!" which also got a few laughs. He's good! Try outs are in a couple of weeks. If he makes it I will let you know when he has a show. I don't know a lot about theater in the twin cities, but from the conversations I've had, a lot of people love going to The Brave New Workshop. Who knew? Good luck to you, Andy! Til next time...

UPS = all the chocolate you can eat

2011-08-14T01:01:00.000-05:00

I have not gotten into a routine yet with my UPS job, but maybe I'm not looking for a routine, because if I was I would have found it a long time ago. I look for chaos and chaos I have found, so here I am trying to keep up with my blog in the chaos. We had the busiest night ever at UPS on Wednesday night. They said it doesn't get that busy at Christmas time. It just happened to be MY truck. At least I'm getting known in the upper management. The night manager was actually helping me while he was screaming and yelling at the people sending the stuff our way, because it could have been handled better. I ended up scanning (loading) over 4,000 boxes that night. I had no idea what that meant until a few guys said they've worked there over a year and never come close to that. I guess I'm doing ok there. I think it's supposed to be a compliment that I'm in the busy truck, but I'm old enough to know that just means more work. I'm ok with that though. I'm a sucker for praise and emotionally gratifying rewards vs money. Plus, my night goes by fast and I'm burning enough calories to eat chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream and chocolate brownies whenever I want. That's a great deal! I'll tell you about my son's night doing improv at the Brave New Workshop next time. I can't wait!

Friend Food at BK

2011-08-04T16:35:00.000-05:00

Burger King never fails to disappoint me. The food isn't good and they get our order wrong 8 out of 10 times, but it's Andy and Johnny's favorite place. Some of you may have had to turn to Burger King with the recent bulldozing of McDonalds. This is your fair warning: check the contents of your meal before driving away from the window. Speak clearly if you are ordering an Icee, because they don't have Ice Tea and it takes awhile to convince them you don't want an ice tea, you want a "frozen coke icee." And if you go to the Burger King on 94 & Woodbury Drive, you may need to ask for an interpreter. It took us three attempts to get our order right with the asain woman through the muffled speaker. And when the black woman came to the window with a coke icee rather than the cherry icee we ordered, I almost asked for subtitles, because I had NO idea what she said, so we took the coke icee, Johnny's chicken fingers and my BK minis and left. By the way, the BK minis looked NOTHING like the picture and my stomach hurt the whole rest of the day, which was a long day. I could still feel the residual effects at 3:30 a.m. as I crawled into bed. I told the kids I will NEVER eat there again. They don't believe me. I think I'll last at least a couple of months. We'll see. I wish Chipotle had a drive through window!

Goodbye Borders

2011-07-31T01:13:00.000-05:00

I went to Borders Book store for the very last time today. When I got the e-mail last week that all the Borders stores were closing I was shocked. I've known that bookstores were having trouble with all the e-readers and online bookstores, but I think I was in denial. I was the one who would post a comment on some concerned writer's blog that book stores will never disappear because people love to hold a book in their hands and browse through the book store. The book store is one of my favorite places to go. Opening the first set of doors, I glance at the clearance books. Sometimes I check them out, but most of the time I figure they weren't good enough to sell inside, so I don't want to waste time browsing the rejects. I open the second set of doors and stare at the front tables where all the new releases are placed on end with their shiny new book jackets reflecting the flourescent lights. I pick up a few of the hard covers and read the synopsis before I move across to the soft covers which are easier to carry and a third of the price.

I always end up in the Psychology and Self Help sections. They are very close to the Bibles, which makes me feel a twinge of guilt when I pass by God's word in order to figure out how to run my life. Today was a little different being my last stroll through the store. I had a five dollar gift card I hadn't used yet and I wanted my last Borders book to be special. I considered getting a Bible but I decided I should probably read the ones I already have first. I considered several of the new releases and I looked through the memoirs, which are my favorite. Then I saw it; "The Stand" by Stephen King. I was not a Stephen King fan until I read his memoir/how to write book. I actually listened to it on tape. I loved it and from there read some of his books. Sure, they are a little freaky, but he is a good writer and I loved his writing suggestions and his story. The Stand is said to be his best work. It is 1,135 pages long. It will probably take me years to read it, but it was only $7.70 and after my five dollar gift card I paid a whopping $2.70, which made me happy.

With the economy and technology, things are only going to keep changing faster than I can keep up. So, goodbye Borders, hello Barnes and Noble!

Night Life

2011-07-28T03:17:00.000-05:00

It's not as easy to post as many life stories as I used to with my new job. Even though it's very part time, it has made my days go by very quickly. One of the things I miss about working until 2 a.m. is morning. I used to wake up before everyone else and enjoy a couple hours all by myself with my cup of coffee and my computer. But there have been some cool things about driving home at 2:30 in the morning. On several nights I've slowed down to watch deer eating along the side of the road. One night I saw a fox dart across the road. Last night I watched the lightning storm illuminate the sky for awhile. I have a hard time walking away from lightning storms. They are so beautiful and powerful at the same time. Tonight on the way home there was so much fog I had to drive way under the speed limit because the visibility was so bad. I usually don't take the time to sit down and write this late at night, but my dogs greeted me and then wanted some time outside before they go back to bed and I didn't want to forget to write about the night life I've seen. At 41 years old, my "nightlife" is a lot different than it was when I was 21. As Martha Stewart would say, "it's a good thing."

It's Not What You Know, It's Who You Know

2011-07-24T23:09:00.000-05:00

I ran into a friend today at Johnny's lacrosse game. I went to high school with her and she's a fire fighter and paramedic for Woodbury, so JB works with her. Small world. Anyway, I told her about my job at UPS and how it's going to pay for my chemical dependency schooling. That's when she told me one of her friends works at a treatment center right here in Woodbury. It just happens to the be the center where I would like to eventually work. She texted her on the spot and I got her name and number. Before I left I thanked my friend and said, "It's not what you know, it's who you know."

I was thinking about that again tonight as I was thinking about a book I just read called, "I Dared to Call Him Father," which is a muslim woman's story of how she became a Christian. It's a very interesting story. One of the things I really admire about this woman is how she heard God's voice and then how she followed it even when she didn't know where it would lead her or what she would have to give up and this woman had a lot to lose. That's when I put together the Muslim woman's story with my coicidental meeting of my high school friend and began to wonder about who it is that I know that makes a difference in my life. What if I left the wording of that statement but changed the meaning a little bit. "It's not what I know (about life), but who you know (Jesus)." I think I could have saved myself hundreds of frustrating hours over my life time if I could just focus on who I know; Jesus. I could probably give up the emotional roller coaster I ride every three months, the many jobs that I've tried to "fix" my life with, and all kinds of other head aches and back aches if I just listened to the one voice that I know will get me where I want to go. Do I really believe I can just listen to the voice of God for direction in my life?! Yes. I've done it before! It works really well. So, why don't I do it? I guess it's the same reason I don't exercise or eat the right thing or make the right decisions, it's hard. It's hard not knowing the whole road map. It's hard not to be in control. And it's hard to change my expectations from what I want out of life to what God wants for me in my life. I don't have a nice ending to this post, because I'm not being a very good listener right now, but maybe that will give me more to right about next time.

Chaos

2011-07-12T21:40:00.000-05:00

I have a cycle I go through every so often. I get bored with my life, I find some reason I need to change things, I make some huge changes and wonder why my life is so chaotic. This time around I'm going to school to get my Chemical Dependency License so I can get a job by the time Andy graduates from high school. I decided to get a part time job to pay for school. I worked at a test scoring center in Woodbury staring at the computer for eight hours a day reading answers to the same question a hundred times a day. That was a full time job, but just temporary. It turned out to be more temporary for me than for the rest of the temporary employees. So, I started looking again. This time I decided I wanted early morning hours so I could be home during the day with my kids. I found a job at UPS. I work from 10 p.m. - 2 a.m. loading boxes into the back of trailor trucks. It's a lot of hard work. I'm calling it a free gym membership. I'm home with my kids now during the day. I just have to sleep in until 10:00 and take naps.

On top of that chaos I was in the Emergency Room Sunday with a kidney stone. I still have some but they're really tiny, so I guess I just watch my diet and wait for the next attack. What a deal! It was Jenna's birthday last weekened and we're going to have her friend party this coming weekend, which is when Andy and Johnny come home from their mission trip. And tomorrow is mine and JB's 20th wedding anniversary! I'm sure there's more chaos, but I have to get ready for work.

Speaking of chaos, my book is almost done! I will fill you in later. I'm planning to self publish it by the end of the summer where it will be available on Amazon.com. Gotta run. I will try not to let so much time go by before my next post. :)

Silly Putty Brains

2011-06-22T11:01:00.000-05:00

I get distracted so easily! When there are little distractions like a dentist appointment, Father's Day or school starts or stops, I usually get back on track, but my distractions have been much bigger, like looking for new jobs, looking for a new house (maybe?) looking for a used car, personal stuff (I'm not mentioning, but putting into my second book) and the biggest one as of late is finishing the book I've been working on for I don't know how many years. My friend's book club read my book with the latest updates. It was nerve wracking, but exactly what I needed to get this project finished! Thanks, Lynn, for that kick in the butt.

So, I got their feedback, I'm making some changes and then I'm done! I only wrote to one agent about this book and if I don't hear back from them by the time I finish correcting typos and making some other corrections, then I'm uploading it to Amazon's Create Space, where my book will be available through Amazon on a "print on demand" basis. In other words, there are minimal fees to get my book uploaded and because of technology they can print books as they are ordered vs. the old print a thousand copies and try to sell them out of the back of my van or something. So, I will let you know when it's ready and available.

That being said, there are a lot of things we need to pay for because our kids expenses seem to keep going up as they get older. So, I've been debating different part time jobs to pay for school so I can get a full time job as a chemical dependency counselor. But do I really want to work with addicts full time? I already have to deal with myself full time and that's not always easy work! So, I wonder whether my book will make me any "real" money, you know outside of my friends and family and I'm not so sure my family wants to read it anyway. When I have this many decisions to make my brain turns into silly putty and I smash it onto the comics to produce an image and I start pulling on it until it's really distorted and hard to understand. THIS is why I have NOT been posting on my BLOG! I am not making any sense right now. Maybe on the next post!

Change Is the Only Constant -

2011-06-05T21:36:00.000-05:00

I went running today for the first time in weeks. I forgot how good it is for me, not just physically, but mentally. I didn't make it far because I have an extra twenty pounds and no endurance, but just getting out in the sun and away from everything was worthwhile. Besides the fresh air, there's something about running the same route over and over for thirteen years that makes me feel...secure, safe, grounded.

I don't like change and there have been a lot of changes in my life lately. At the end of our year long Bible study, I took a full time job and started school. Andy started driving this summer. I just signed Jenna up for driver's ed and she'll be going to high school next year and Johnny won't stop growing. I keep telling myself I'm a forward thinker. I tell myself that I don't dwell on the past, because I'm always looking to the future, but I've found myself staring at pictures of my kids when they were little. There are so many things about my life that I love, like the quiet evenings watching a movie with my family before bed. I love being home alone after everyone leaves in the morning. I love coffee, lunch, walks and movies with my super good friends. I don't want it to change! But it is, so I have to put my pictures away, do some homework for my class, get a job, look for another car for these kids who are going everywhere and maybe check out a motorcycle because I think I'm about to go through a mid-life crisis.

Balancing Naps and Work

2011-06-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

I almost lost my blog today. I've lost a lot of things over the years, like my car keys. I'm down to just the valet key for my mini van. But I didn't even know I could lose my blog. Luckily there were directions on the google site on how to find it again, which was nice because I not only found my blog, I felt good knowing that obviously, I'm not the only person to lose their blog!

It was a beautiful day today! After working for five weeks, I appreciated it more than usual. I also began to wonder about my next job. I started school at Century College for a chemical dependency counselor license. I figured that was a good fit. But I will be working inside a building. And after reading through some of the material there are a lot of rules to follow. I hate rules. So, I was second guessing myself, wondering if I'm going down the right path. I would love to make money writing and just take my lap top wherever I want to go and write about whatever I want to write about and make money doing it, but I'm not there yet and there are bills to pay and the kids are getting older and closer to college. So, I decided today that it's not whether or not I'm following the right path, because basically, I've had it really good for a lot of years. JB has always worked two or more jobs and I've always stayed home with the kids, except for that five month stint at an office, the three week stint delivering phone books and my five week gruelling paper scoring job I just finished. I like being home. I like cleaning my garage. I like turning on the radio and letting air rush through the house while I'm folding laundry. I like being home when the kids get off the bus. I can hear the squeek of the breaks from the bus and the dogs go wild because they know who's almost home and they always walk in the door happy and singing and the first thing they do when they come in is look for me. I know because I've been in the bathroom or the back yard or the basement and they always come and find me if I haven't already found them. When I asked Jenna if she was glad that I was done working she said, "Yes, I don't like it when you're not here when we get home from school." She's a ninth grader. I love it!

So, it's not whether this is the right path, because I'm spoiled and lazy and I like being home. It's always about family first, so I just have to remember to balance time and money and relationships with work, which is making me tired just thinking about it, so I think I'll make sure I have time for a nap tomorrow, because I stayed up way too late tonight searching for my blog. Good night!

Happy Birthday Johnny!

2011-05-24T18:25:00.000-05:00

It's Johnny's 13th birthday today. When he comes home from school, he'll beg to open some presents, I'll tell him no, he'll eat some snacks, watch tv while trying to do his homework, then he'll go to lacrosse practice, then we'll have dinner, birthday cookie (vs. cake), he'll open presents and we'll go to bed sometime before midnight. He'll have his friends here on Friday for a sleepover party, we'll order pizza, get a DQ ice cream cake and a movie and I'll try to stay up with them, but I'll fall asleep long before they do. And then it will be Saturday, May 28th. There will probably be more lacrosse, it'll be time to mow the lawn again, go to the grocery store for double coupon Saturday at Rainbow and the kids will begin counting down the hours left until summer vacation.

I will take approximately eighty-five pictures, a few of which will get printed and put in a scrap book someday, probably the week before his high school graduation. Most of you that read this blog know how fast time flies. You totally understand when I tell you that last week we moved into our new home in Woodbury with three kids under four, I made a poster for Johnny's special day in his Kindergarten class, we went to the elementary school carnival and watched his fifth grade graduation. Since I haven't figured out how to stop time yet, I'm doing the next best thing; making the most of the time that we have. It seems as the years go by the only thing we have left when we look back are memories, so I'm trying not to miss out on opportunities to make more of those memories. So, I need to run because the party is about to start and I don't want to miss anything, especially a memory making moment.

Too Many Squirrels in my Head to Title This Post

2011-05-18T23:30:00.000-05:00

It's after 11:00 p.m. and it's just me and the dogs or is it, "the dogs and me?" I don't know, but I should since I'm still scoring grammar on essay papers at this job in Woodbury I've had for five years...I mean five weeks. It feels like it's been five weeks. (Un)fortunately, I am not on the list of call backs for the next project which means I might be out of a job by next week! My new friends that sit by me at work were wondering why I wasn't freaking out today and I figured it must be because I know I will not be there much longer.

Have you ever been in a job you knew wasn't your best fit? Ok, a more appropriate question would be, are you still in a job that isn't your best fit? I'm not going to tell you to BREAK OUT and make a new life for yourself, because I know people have to do things they don't want to do. It's part of life. JB worked twenty-four hour shifts for a lot of years so I could stay home with our kids. He liked saving people, but there was plenty to not like about Healtheast as an employer. I need to move on before I make a list of things and then break something. I can hold a grudge with the best of them. JB hasn't worked for Healtheast in over ten years, but I still remember some detailed circumstances including the spam ham we received one year in gratitude of his wonderful service to the company, but I digress, as usual.

What I'm trying to say is that the immense physical and mental pain I have gone through at this job of mine has given me the swift kick in the butt that I needed to get my book published. I'm not sure about the extent of the damage, but I'm pretty sure I lost quite a few brain cells while sitting in a chair for eight hours staring at the computer screen. I can't afford to lose anymore brain cells with the economy the way it is. I know that probably wasn't very analogous, but this is a prime example of how losing more brain cells is affecting my thought process and therefore my writing. And why did I say losing "more" vs simply "losing?" Alcohol kills brain cells too, which is explained in my book, which I will be focusing 100% of my attention on after I'm done working. Well, besides lacrosse and football and theater sign ups and guitar lessons and my sister's big garage sale and my application to grad school and ...grad school and finishing our basement..............

It's the Little Things

2011-05-11T21:45:00.000-05:00

Can you guess what's in the picture? It's JB's birthday today so Johnny made him a card. JB is a medical guy, so his first impression as he opened the card did not coincide with Johnny's intention of drawing a birthday cake with balloons. Being his "Birth - Day" and having kids that go to the Math and Science Academy, it wasn't a super far jump to assume that Johnny was celebrating his Dad's birthday by drawing the actual moment of his conception. Feeling relieved that the picture was in fact just balloons and cake, he proceeded to read the rest of the card and open his presents, after we stopped crying tears of laughter. I will be keeping this card in my kid's art box filled with pictures I can't part with. It's the little things that make life bareable. I hope you have lots of little things.

It's Tuesday!

2011-05-10T22:33:00.000-05:00

First of all, a quick correction from my last post. My new friend from work is from WEST Africa, not east. It's so far away, I have trouble with directions once I cross the ocean. I will tell you more about the little village she grew up in if she's ok with it.

Last Tuesday at work I was going nuts! I couldn't sit still. I had to keep reading the essays over and over in order to comprehend what I was reading. The room was too quiet. I was hot and then cold and then hot, all the while so irritable I wanted to scream and throw my computer off the desk. I thought my mental condition was at least partially due to my forgetting to take my medication, but today was Tuesday again and I did not forget to take my medication and I still wanted to throw my computer on the floor. I guess I will just try not to make any long term decisions on Tuesday's. Ha!

Our project goes until May 23rd. Then I have a choice to leave or ask to be put on a new project. I could use the money to pay for some more classes in the Fall. On the other hand maybe I could find another job that didn't make me want to throw computers on the floor. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but for now I know what I need to do for tomorrow. ...I need to make some new Bingo cards for work. It's one of the few things that keeps me from throwing the computer on the floor.

Minnesotan's and Their Personal Space

2011-05-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

Life has changed drastically since I started working full time. I've met a couple of cool people at work. The woman I spend lunch with grew up in Africa as a missionary kid. She is VERY interesting. The lived in cliff dwellings among the villagers in a remote part of Eastern Africa. The woman who sits next to me is fun and has helped me stay sane by bringing in stickers and toys and fun pencils to play with. We share our "favorite quotes" from the essay papers we are reading. That makes the very long, long, long day go by a little faster. And then there's this guy who grew up in Japan. He looks Minnesotan with his white skin and bleach blond hair. I think he was an Army brat or something like that. How did I meet him? My African friend said "outsiders" find each other quickly. She was talking about herself having not grown up in America, but it made me wonder how I ended up with this odd crowd. I had heard earlier this year from a couple of Californian friends that Minnesotans are hard to get to know. They thought it was because of the deep family roots here and/or the fact that Minnesotans already have a group of friends they've had since Kindergarten so they don't need anymore close friends to share with. The fact is, Minnesotans just don't share, period. They don't "save" their in depth conversations and emotions and feelings for family gatherings. The only hot topic at a family gathering is the food and anyone who happened to miss the family gathering. As a matter of fact, if you are from out of town and have gotten more than a name, an address and a phone number from a native Minnesotan, you probably know more about them than their best friend knows.

So, feel happy and encouraged that someone from this cold, Norweigan heritage let you into the depths of their heart. Just don't get too physically close them. We have a two foot wide area of "personal space." Don't feel bad if we suddenly stop talking. It's probably not something you said. You probably just stepped into the "personal space." We don't quite know what to do when that happens, so we often just walk away. Don't be offended. We've lived for generations in this cold climate. The summers aren't quite long enough to completely melts the ice off our hearts. We are really friendly people...once you get to know us. : )

Bright Colors on a Dark Canvas

2011-04-17T21:39:00.001-05:00

Every time I go running I run the same route, but it doesn't always look the same since I go at different times of the day. Today I left at 6:03 p.m. Yes, I keep track of my times, even though they are slow. The sun was starting to set and as I came up over a hill, the light was shining across a corn field and through the trees. I was taking in the beauty and feeling really blessed to be enjoying this moment when the thought crossed my mind; these are the same trees and field where, years ago, I used to fantasize about ending my life. I knew I wouldn't do it, but it lifted my depression just a little bit thinking that there was a way out if I couldn't take it anymore. I don't bring this up to be depressing. I knew as I was running and thinking about all of this that I had to blog about it, because to me, it's hope.

There isn't room to go into all the details of my depression and I've talked about it in previous posts. What I want to focus on is how different my life is today. When I was in the midst of my depression I couldn't imagine my life ever including joy or peace again. I can't say going back to work, signing up for classes, and taking care of three teenagers are peace filled activities, but I have peace in the midst of the chaos. When things are not going well in life, it's easy for someone to say, "there's a time for everyting," or "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But that's not exactly what someone wants to hear when they're going through hard times. The thing that helped me the most was to read or hear about stories of other people who had gone through a hard time and were now on the other side. Those real stories gave me hope.

So, to anyone who is feeling hopeless or their circumstances seem impossible, I hope the day isn't far away when you come upon a landmark or something else that triggers your memory and you get a chance to think back to those days when life was especially hard or hopeless, because it's against that dark back drop that the good things in life look exceptionally bright.

Biceps are Not Everything

2011-04-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I like to run. I also like watches. So for Christmas my husband gave me an ipod along with this funky ipod holder in the shape of a watch. He bought it as a joke, but it has turned out to be my favorite gadget in which to carry my ipod while I'm running. If you've done this before you know that it's hard to find headphones that don't pull or fall out while your running and it's hard to find a good way to carry your ipod so it doesn't get in the way.

Today, I decided to try out the more popular arm band to hold the ipod. I'm sure you've seen them on those joggers on the road or at the gym. They have their mini music player strapped around their bicep and it looks really cool. Well, I've always thought it looked cool, but I've never had one because I didn't want to pay the $20 to look cool. Since I got one with my ipod at Christmas I thought I would skip the watch holder gadget and try to super cool bicep mount. The problem is that you have to actually have a bicep to make this work. There should be some kind of warning on the package about this little system flaw. I mean, sure, maybe most people who go out running on a regular basis have biceps, but I don't think that should necessarily be assumed!

So, I put the ipod in the arm band, strapped the thing to my arm, put the headphones in my ears and headed off on the road. About ten strides in I stopped to readjust the strap. I thought it must not be tight enough, but there wasn't much room to make it any tighter, so I just hefted it up my arm and started again. It slide down to my elbow almost immediately. I stopped again. This time I unstrapped it and placed it over my shirt, hoping it would stay put. It did for the most part, but I wrapped it as tightly as I could get it and it was not very comfortable and I'm assuming it did not look very "cool" as I had hoped it would. I'm sure my forty-one year old, mother of three children legs and abs deterred people from having any such thoughts that my armband might have looked cool, but I am ever hopeful. As for tomorrow, if I can get my knees to work two days in a row, I will be going back to my ipod watch gadget. Not only does it stay on well, but I can easily reach the volume button when I need to turn it up so I can't hear my labored breathing.

"Soul Surfer" and Centipede

2011-04-09T17:29:00.000-05:00

Our family went to DeLeo Brother's Pizza and then to a movie today for my birthday. I like DeLeo's pizza, but the reason I choose that restaurant every time is for their arcade games. They have like TEN games including pinball, Frogger, PacMan and my favorite, Centipede. If you go there, you can look up my high score. The top three high scores are mine under the name, "mom".

I could go on and on about arcade games, but I want to take the rest of this post to convince you to go see the movie, "Soul Surfer". The movie is based on the true story of Bethany Hamilton, played by the cute little blong girl from "Because of Winn-Dixie" and "The Bridge to Teribithia". Hamilton overcomes a big setback with the help of her family and her faith. Her youth group leader is played by Carrie Underwood and her parents are played by Dennis Quade and Helen Hunt, some more of my favorite actors.

I don't like to give movies away and I don't like to hype them up too much because I don't like it when a movie doesn't live up to it's reputation, but part of the movie's strength comes from it's bold portrayal of Hamilton's faith and how God worked in her life. It's one of the best family movies that's come out in a long time. I'm so glad I picked that over the lizard or the bunny cartoon. I was looking for entertainment. Soul Surfer gave us inspiration.

Sleepless at District Blitz 2011

2011-04-04T18:10:00.000-05:00

It's 5:15 p.m. right now and these are my boys sleeping. They were at the District Blitz in Duluth this weekend with our youth group. The Blitz is a yearly rally where thousands of teens come together to be inspired by worship music, a speaker, an artist, break out sessions and each other.  I went as a chaperone for the first time this year. Watching seventy plus kids and driving 300+ miles wasn't on my schedule for that weekend, but I'm glad I was asked and I'm glad I didn't miss out.
The speaker was D.A. Horton, a Pastor, Rapper and Bible College Professor who grew up in an inner city gang filled area where he was a thief and a drug user before he became a Christian at a youth group function he went to with his friend.  He resonated with the kids not just because he was a really good rap singer, but his passion for living for Jesus through the words of the Bible was real and contagious and I was so proud of the things I heard coming from our kids. In our small group time they shared how hard it is to be a Christian in school because of the peer pressure. At East Ridge High School which has to be over 1,000 kids, only 5 of them showed up for "Meet you at the pole," a day where Christian students meet at the flag pole to pray for their school and their fellow students. I started to wonder how many adults I know that could withstand that kind of pressure.
There were so many great things about this weekend, including the pastor who lets our five oaks kids sleep all over his church every year to keep the cost down for us, the college students who come back to help out, and the high school student leaders who make the new seventh graders feel welcome, but the thing that really inspired me was realizing that the teenagers in our church, are as a group, probably the strongest force for God in our church. I've seen women's and men's ministries in action and I've been in small groups for years. I know what our weekend church services are like and all of those things have made a difference in the community around us.  But as a whole group, I've never experienced the like mindedness and sense of community and shared passion for Christ like I did with these teenagers over the weekend.
And there is nothing like worshipping with teenagers. During Saturday night worship there were hundreds of kids forming lines, dancing up and down the aisles. They crowded around the edge of the stage like they were at a rock concert. One kid got on the stage and did the entire Napolean Dynamite recital. They were loud and stood on chairs and did synchronized waves and head bops and whatever else you can think of. It was very unlike my last Sunday worship service.
I did not get ANY sleep at this thing, but it was worth it to get filled up spiritually and emotionally by these kids of ours. The entire experience made more sense to me the request Jesus makes to us to come to Him as children. They are so much more fun than us boring adults!

Meet at the Mariucci

2011-03-31T21:40:00.000-05:00

Today was my very first time in the Mariucci Arena on the University of MN campus. After attending school there on and off for sixteen years, it was about time. I never got a chance to play softball for the U of M, but I did play on the soccer team. I wish I could say I got a Division 1 scholorship, but in 1990, soccer at the U of M was still just a club sport and they really needed a goalie. In all those years, I'd walked by the Mariucci arena hundreds of times. So, sitting in the stands today with Johnny and his friend was a special moment.

However, it wasn't what I had anticipated when thinking about our first arena trip. There were no burley hockey players checking each other into the boards, the fans were relatively quiet, and the score board was very small. It was the First Robotics Regional Meet where our Fighting Calculators from Math and Science Academy with their three foot robot, built and programmed by the team, competes against other school's robots by earning points for completing a series of tasks. I wish I could say we were there to support our school, but the real reason Johnny and his friend wanted to go was for the extra credit they received in science class for attending and asking questions of the team. I'm not sure if I'm more surprised that we watched Lego Robotocis at the Mariucci or if we drove all the way to Minneapolis during rush hour traffic for ten extra credit points. I might not ever get used to being the parent of nerdy children, but it will be fun to try.

When the Shoe Doesn't Fit

2011-03-29T07:53:00.000-05:00

I was standing in the line at the grocery store feeling loaded down by some emotional turmoil I'm in when I picked up Time magazine and saw people sitting by body bags in Japan where their home used to be. My problems suddenly seemed so small. Well, they didn't seem small, but I thought it could definately be worse by far. And I felt an immediate gratitude that I had a house to go home to and nobody in my family was dead or missing and I my kids are not going hungry. It was my turn at the register, so I put the magazine away and turned to the young woman ringing up my groceries. She didn't hesitate for a second to start complaining about how tired she was and how she'd been there all day and it was 9 p.m! I asked when she gets off and she said 9:30. I tried to encourage her saying, "you're almost there!", to which she replied that no one had been willing to take the rest of her shift for her and her head and feet were killing her. By now I was assuming she'd probably started work early this morning and that is quite a long day, even though I did it all the time at her age working 12 to 14 hour shifts on the weekends in the restaurant. So, I asked sympathetically what time she had started work. She replied she'd been there since 2:00! I hesistated thinking I hadn't heard her right, then I wondered if she had been there since 2:00 a.m. because she can't mean p.m. That wouldn't even be an 8 hour shift at that point. My brother, who can't find a job, would love to have an 8 hour shift. I knew asking more questions was only going to get me into trouble, so I kept my mouth shut, but no longer felt sorry for her.

As I began to think about what a wimp she was I thought of the Time magazine and how my problems stacked up next to all the homeless people who might have radiation poisoning and had probably lost some people they knew and loved. My problems still felt heavy and I realized my cashier's problems probably felt heavy to her too. So, I tried to take back my bad feelings toward her and started thinking that maybe there is more going on in her life than I know. I had just heard someone say earlier that you can't understand someone until you put on their shoes. I've heard that a hundred times, but it was a good reminder. Everyone's shoes get uncomfortable sometimes. And since there are plenty of people with bigger problems than mine, I decided to be extra kind to the cashier who'd worked seven long hours, because I'm hoping, in return, people with bigger problems than mine will be kind to me.

Hope for a Rehab Addict

2011-03-21T23:25:00.000-05:00

Every once in awhile I look around to see what's for sale in Afton, because I love the area, the acreage and the river. A few weeks ago I found a foreclosure that I fell in love with. It's smaller than our house, but not a lot. There's a detached garage which is an ugly thought after this winter, but the character and the three acres make up for all the thousands of dollars of renovations it needs. It has stone floors, three stone fireplaces, huge beams across the ceiling, vaulted ceilings through all the bedrooms and there is a huge room at the end of the hall by the bedrooms where I picture our kids with all their friends. There's plenty of space for sleeping bags, a spot for the large screen tv, lots of cabinets for the video games, a couple of desks for computers and homework space. And my favorite thing in the house is a sunken area in the living room surrounding a massive stone fireplace open on two sides. Stone benches are built in around the fireplace, perfect for a bunch of kids to roast marshmallows and hang out! Most modern houses are about the same. There are several different floor plans, but they all have the same rooms and walls and kitchens and loft areas. This house I looked at has CHARACTER!

I watch Antique Roadshow, If Walls Could Talk, and D.I.Y.'s Rehab Addict, hosted by this great lady from Minneapolis who's addicted to renovating old mansions. I don't know what attracts me to old homes, but they draw me to them like super strong magnets. (that's a great writing example, no wonder I can't finish my book). Anyway, I love them. I drive really slow down Summit Avenue because I imagine the space inside the little turrets or I wonder what treasures might be hiding in the attic. I also wonder what the street looked like when the house was built. How large was the city and what was on the mind of the average citizen as builders laid the brick for these monstrous mansions? I love that stuff!

But in the end, it is just stuff. I found out today that the house I fell in love with has been taken off the market. The bank is just waiting for the papers to go through. All the great ideas I had imagined were a waste of time. It brings to mind the verse in Jeremiah, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Often I wonder what in the world God's plan for me could be. Nothing happens fast enough for me. It's been more than seven years since I went to treatment and I still wonder what the future holds and what I'm supposed to be hopeful for. Even though I can't speed up the process, there is one thing I can do. I can choose to sit and whine about it for another seven years, or I can wait in joyful expectation because God has never let me down. I'm not saying things have gone well all the time. I'm saying He has always opened a door, or my eyes, or my heart and showed me that He is still here. So, at least for tonight I will think about His faithfulness to me, and hopefully I can grasp for a moment that there is hope in my future.

Little Pieces of Heaven

2011-03-17T08:20:00.000-05:00

There's plenty of stuff in my life to write about, but I can't write about any of it yet, because we're in the middle of it all and it involves people and circumstances that are not mine to write about. Since I've been consumed with it all, I couldn't think of anything else to write about, until yesterday while I was reading a book called, "Heaven is For Real," by Todd and Soyna Burpo. It's about their four year old son who gets very sick and goes to heaven during surgery. I'm a little skeptical of adult accounts of heaven. I want to believe them, but people have so much to gain with a heavenly story and books have to sell, so I worry about editors shifting the story for profit. I'm also skeptical because I have had the rug pulled out from underneath me enough times that I don't let myself get too excited about anything. This story is told by Todd, who is the father, and he's very careful how he explains his son's experience. Of course, the whole thing could be made up, but I'm trusting that it's not. People might start writing a story in hopes of making money, but by the time you go through all the work to write and rewrite and edit and re edit and find a publisher and rewrite some more, it is way too much work if you're not already some kind of celebrity and you know there will be money at the end of the rainbow. When you're a nobody, it doesn't take long to find that your chances of actually profiting from this are next to nothing, so you write the story simply to write the story.

I don't want to ruin the story for anyone, but I will say that four year old Colton is very believable and what he tells his mom and dad in bits and pieces are gems that have shifted my perspective on my current struggles. I've had prayers answered before and I've felt God's presence, but sometimes I don't feel like anyone is listening while I'm praying. In the story Todd asks his son how he got back from heaven. Colton says that Jesus told him it was time to go back home because He's answering his dad's prayer. It makes praying so much easier when I can picture Jesus actually listening to me.

My friends can tell when I'm having trouble with life, because they don't hear from me. It's their red flag. My natural tendency is to crawl into a cave and wait for the pain and the problem to go away. I don't particularly like being alone, but I'm not very good at expressing my feelings, so I'm more comfortable being alone. In another instance in the story Colton talks about sitting on Jesus' lap because he's scared and Jesus has the angels sing for him. After reading this story I don't feel so alone in my little cave. I still don't feel like talking, but I don't feel so alone and I don't feel so hopeless. I think Todd Burpo was right when he realized Colton's story wasn't just for Colton and their family, but it was a story that needed to be shared. I'm glad he did.

Celebrating Pie Day [Pi = 3.14] Early

2011-03-10T09:11:00.015-06:00

It's Pi Day today at Math and Science Academy where two of my kids go to school. Of course, Jenna is a little distraught because today is only March 10th and the real Pi day is March 14th, but that lands on Spring Break, so they are celebrating early. If you are like me and need an explanation, Pi is that mathematical weird sign which means 3.14159....etc. March 14th is 3/14, which are the first three numbers of pi. I now know the first six numbers by heart because it's part of the school cheer, "sine, sine, cosine, sine, three point one four one five nine! Gooooooooooooo Fighting Calculators!" No, I am NOT making that up. It's for real. Even the calculator part. And yes, they do have a few sports teams. They are listed in the fine print beneath all the chess and computer clubs on their after school activities list.

You know how in 'regular' public school the kids brag about how strong they are or how fast they can run? I have heard my kids several times in the car talk about kids at school who have memorized the first forty numbers of pi. I think pi goes on forever...I'm not sure about that. I don't really even remember what it means other than I had to memorize it for a test once in high school, but only the 3.14 part, of course. The kid who knows the most numbers in pi is revered at Math and Science Academy in a similar way that the high school quarter back is revered at normal high schools. It's big.

To celebrate this ultimate nerdy day, a blanket e-mail goes out to all the parents reminding them to bring in pies and help serve them for lunch. The first year Andy went to this school I was basically like a deer in headlights, because I was a jock in high school. I played sports year round and only got good enough grades so I wouldn't get kicked off the team. I feel a little more comfortable now that my kids have been there for five years. I'm used to the trophy case filled with Lego Robotic awards and going to school events doesn't mean sitting on the bleachers cheering, but rather sitting in a classroom watching the Academic Triathlon. My kids don't complain about school bully's and cliquey friends. They complain when they don't get an A on their test or that so and so got a better grade than they did. Our kids can be so different than us. It used to freak me out, but now I love it. It's like an adventure every day learning what life is like in the nerd world. I need to go and get ready. It's almost lunch time and I haven't even bought my pie yet!

Springing Into a New Attitude

2011-03-06T11:16:00.001-06:00

There are ten birds in the tree just outside my window eating red berries in the sunshine. It's sort of a tease since they make me think of Spring and it's only March 6th. Last year on my birthday in April we had a party and it was nice enough for people to sit outside on the deck. The year before that it was snowing and I was looking up houses for sale in Arizona. This is the time of year that all of us Minnesotans start wearing sweatshirts when it's above 25 degrees, we start driving with our windows down, and I saw one guy yesterday outside of Target in sandals. I don't know if snow is still in the forcast, but I heard we were going to get another foot of snow!

I've lived in Minnesota my whole life, but I learned a good lesson this year. Not everyone gets depressed during record snow falls. There are some people who even get excited; the snowmobilers, skiers, snowboarders, and snow shoers to name a few. One of those skiers/snow shoers was in a Bible study group of mine this year along with two poor California girls. I know it seems obvious, but I didn't see it until the two extremes were right in front of me. I could either whine and complain about all the snow shoveling or I could embrace the weather, take up some winter sports and actually enjoy the cabin fever days of winter. Now I haven't actually done anything about that little epiphany. I still don't own any skis or snow shoes or even better, a snowmobile, but I have adopted a different attitude. If I'm going to live in Minnesota I might as well enjoy myself all year round! So, as the snow starts to melt and people are beginning to think about Spring, I'm going to start looking for a good deal on some winter sports equipment so I'm ready for next year. Maybe I'll have a different response when we get another record snowfall.

Timely Wisdom from Dave Ramsey

2011-03-02T12:50:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was working on our budget and thinking about how hard JB is working and how I feel like a slug at home while the kids are all at school. I often wonder why I'm not out working to make things easier for us. I received a timely e-mail from Dave Ramsey today. He's a very popular speaker on finances and I liked what he had to say in response to a letter he received. It's a good reminder to me about my priorities and luckily I have a husband that agrees with Dave. Here's the letter written to Dave and Dave's response.

Dear Dave,

I listen to you often and enjoy your radio show, but why don’t you ever ask women to go to work? When a family is broke, and the woman is at home raising one child who is already in the fifth grade, why can’t the wife get a “second job?”

George

Dear George,

I think far too many ladies, in the name of paying for stuff they don’t need, have left the household and the children for the workplace. Many of them didn’t even want to do this; they just felt obligated to do it by people like you. There are a lot of ladies who have sacrificed their ability to be full-time moms on the altar of the car payment.

Now, sometimes ladies have to go to work. There’s a time and a place for that kind of thing. But if there’s any way I can financially and budget-wise figure out how mom can be waiting at home with a big hug and a plate full of cookies when that fifth grader walks in the house – and if that’s what she wants to do – then you’re going to find me fighting for her opportunity to do that. There’s no higher calling on the planet than motherhood. We’ve lost that in our culture, and we’re suffering dearly for it.

I’m no Neanderthal jerk. I don’t say every mother has to be at home or they’re a bad person. But these days we’ve got very few people who defend full-time, in-the-home motherhood. The inference you’re making is that she’s not helping, or worse, lazy. Why don’t you go take over her job for a week? I think you’ll find out in a hurry there’s not a lazy bone in her body!

—Dave

Ice Cold Water, Dopamine and Polar Bears

2011-02-28T22:33:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I did the Polar Plunge at Forest Lake. I was on the Como Zoo polar bear team raising money for Neil and Buzz, the new polar bears, and their exhibit. I wasn't going to do it again this year, because I'd already crossed it off my bucket list, but I couldn't pass it up. Someone asked me why I get excited about this, so I've been thinking about it for awhile. I'm still not sure, but I'm going to give you a couple of reasons I think I like jumping in the freezing cold water.

The first one is that I like doing something that not everyone does. I'm not sure what that's called. Maybe it's competitive or I need to feel special or I like the attention I get when I tell someone I'm jumping in. The second reason could be similar to the first reason; I like the rush I get, not only from jumping into the water, but the rush i get weeks beforehand just thinking about jumping into the water. That's the dopamine rush that you get from physical or crazy activities, also called the runner's high. Brain people say that if you have a low dopamine level, your brain will cause you to desire activities that raise that level, whether it's running, jumping out of air planes, sex, alcohol, etc. Risky behavior increases dopamine levels. I know I have a low dopamine level and jumping in the lake is much better for me than drinking.

I would like to say the third reason I jump is to raise money for the polar bears, but I'd be lying. I don't really care what we're raising money for, I just do it because I have to in order to jump in the lake. But I also want to say, "thank you" to those of you who saw my facebook post and pledged money for the polar bears. I saw Buzz and Neil in their new exhibit for the first time today. They looked very happy. I can see why they're so happy. They have their own plunge site they can jump into any time they want! Maybe a better fund raiser would be plunging into the ice cold water of the polar bear exhibit...WITH the polar bears. I think I'll pass that idea on to my friend. That could raise dopamine levels to an all time high! At least for a short period of time before you got whacked by the polar bears. They are pretty big!

Moments of Mindfulness

2011-02-23T08:05:00.000-06:00

I just tucked my kids into bed. Andy is sixteen and often tells me about his day right before bed. I try to focus on what he's saying instead of how messy his room is. Jenna is fourteen. Her hands get really chapped in the winter, so every night I put this thick lotion on them and rub it in really good, and then I put another layer on top of that and slip these extra soft socks over her hands for the night. Her hands are so small and I think she’s done growing. We’ll see. Johnny was already half asleep, so I didn’t have to throw the football for his diving catch into bed. But he did talk me into giving him a back rub. With each one of them we sing the same prayer we've been singing since they were little kids. Putting everyone to bed always takes longer than I think it will, but as I’m sitting uncomfortably on the edge of one of their beds trying to stay awake I start adding up the number of years I have left to do this and the urge to get to my bed goes away. I become mindful that this moment is precious.

Before bed I was sitting at the dining room table helping Johnny memorize the capitals and countries in Europe. We come up with weird names to help him remember. "Chisinau, Moldova" is "Madonna’s Chihuahua." And "Vilnius, Lithuania" is "Lil’ Wayne is a villain." Some of them are so good even I remember them. I ask him for the tenth time to quick leaning back on the chair and he tells me it helps him think. I understand because I can’t sit still for long either. I start reading my Kindle while he’s thinking. He gives me an answer and I’m consumed in the book already. He asks me, “Are you reading?!” I say, “Yes.” Then he says sternly, “Unacceptable!” I laugh and finish reading the paragraph before I turn back to his list of countries. I ask him for another capital and while he's leaning back in his chair again thinking, I stop and see this moment for what it is; precious. I used to be so wound up in tomorrow or yesterday, that I couldn't see today right in front of me. But now I see us sitting in the dining room laughing and doing homework and I feel grateful that I get to experience this moment, grateful that I’m sober, grateful that my kids love me, and grateful that I have a Kindle (thanks, JB) so I can sit still while he's thinking.

[The picture above which Jenna took of her friends sitting on the dock is one of my favorites, not just because they're sitting still and not getting into trouble, but they are in the moment, enjoying the lake and each other. It's a great picture of mindfulness.]

What now??? Squirrel

2011-02-21T19:13:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to write about the Polar Plunge I did on Saturday, but I can't think long enough to finish it. Blogs are supposed to be under 700 words so you don't lose your readers, because we are busy people and the average time a person takes to decide whether they are going to read something on the internet is like two seconds or something, so when I go to someone's blog or website or even webmed where I misdiagnose myself, if the page is full of words and there are no pictures and I think it will take longer than 30 seconds to skim, then I move onto something else like facebook or e-mail and then I remember why I got on the computer in the first place. Ok, I had reread this to figure out where I was going with this. I am trying to say that ...crap...the kids keep asking me questions and I keep losing my thought. Ok, if a blog is the shortest thing writer's write and I can't focus long enough to write 250 words, then it's time to walk away and wait for the medication to kick in. Is it no wonder I used to drink??? When all my thoughts are like little children running around on the playground and I can't get them to play nice together, alcohol was a nice solution. The warm, calming effect silenced the little children running around and they all took a nap. If the stuff wasn't so life destroying it would be a great solution. Instead, I'm going to go play a game with my kids. Maybe by tomorrow I'll be able to finish the Polar Plunge post. Ohhh...that sounds good. Maybe I'll remember that by tomorrow. ummm.... I doubt it.

Toy Story 3 and a New Bucket List

2011-02-13T15:13:00.001-06:00

My friend's facebook status was about watching Toy Story 3 with her boys, crying and officially declaring that they would not be allowed to grow up. I totally understand. My oldest son, Andy, was a year old when the first Toy Story movie came out. I don't think we watched it until Toy Story 2 came out when my Andy turned five. We thought it was so cool that his name was the same as the main character in the movie. Of course, we bought a Woody and a Buzz Light Year so he could really be like the Andy in the movie. Great movies like that don't get thrown to the bottom of the toy box, so we've faithfully continued to watch Toy Story over and over and over through out the years as my Andy has grown up.

This past year we saw Toy Story 3 at the theater. In the 3rd Toy Story Andy is all grown up and getting ready to go to college. My Andy is now sixteen, a sophomore in high school, and like the movie character, he is all grown up. I don't want to give away the ending (which isn't a problem since I don't remember it) but there are a lot of "goodbye's" in this movie. I think even if Andy didn't have the same name as the main character and we hadn't made such a strong connection with these movies, it would have been a hard movie to watch without getting emotional But the way my Andy has followed the character Andy, this movie hit really close to home for both of us. We are starting to get college flyers in the mail now almost every day. Andy has taken college prep tests and I've been asking around and looking out for college information and scholorships and programs. Fortunately, there's a lot of work that goes into getting ready for college. Without all those details to focus so much time and energy on, I think I would go crazy thinking solely about my Andy leaving home!

With that in mind, I decided to take another look at my bucket list. I will probably leave most if not all of the items I have on the list, but I'm guess I'll add a few extras that include my kids. There are things I am looking forward to in the future after they go to college, maybe get married and have their own kids, but I only have 2 1/2 more years with Andy living at home, 3 1/2 more years with Jenna at home and 5 1/2 years with Johnny at home. To my kids this little bit of time will feel like an eternity as they begin to crave the freedom of being on their own, out from underneath my cruel and unusual punishment. (ha, if you know me, they will probably want to stay at home.) To me, the last sixteen years has been a blur. It feels like just last week that we were pushing strollers and carrying diaper bags. Then I closed my eyes and I don't know what happened! Two and half years will go by faster than the speed of Buzz Light Year.

So, I'm going to do some brainstorming and think of some things I want to do with my kids before they "grow up." And I'm going to ask my kids what they would like to do before they "grow up." Even if we don't get to everything, because we never do, I know I will be happy knowing we used our time wisely creating our own Toy Stories. If you have little kids and you sometimes feel like you're going crazy, I encourage you to watch Toy Story 3, because they always grow up sooner than we think. Until next time. I need to go, "To Infinity and Beyond!"

Wellbutrin, the Breakfast of Champions!

2011-02-10T18:36:00.000-06:00

This morning I wrote a really heated post. I was mad about an article in the paper. Then an e-mail I read sparked my anger. Everything was irritating me so much I began to wonder why. In the old days, before therapy, I would have yelled at one of my kids and/or went out to the garage to break something with my baseball bat. But now that I have some behavior management skills, something I highly recommend if your close friends or family members flinch when you move too quickly, I was able to assess my predicament. I decided my current environment would not normally cause such irritation, and asked myself why I was so angry. I felt like I feel when I don't take my medication. And that's when it hit me. I went to the cupboard and checked my pill box. I had NOT taken my medication last night. No wonder I'm so mad! Luckily I didn't post my blog. It wasn't that terrible, but it was a little edgy, like the e-mail I wrote to my friends, which unfortunately, I sent. My e-mail wasn't the worst thing I've sent by e-mail (that's another good story), I just wouldn't have said it so bluntly had I taken my medication.

Does medication really work that fast and that well? Am I different person because I'm on medication? Do you ever plan to wean yourself off your medication? I've heard a lot of negative things about medication over the years, like "it'll take two months to take affect." The difference when I take my medication feels almost immediate. I've also heard, "I wouldn't want to take medication because I don't want to turn into someone I'm not." If you lived with me when I was not on medication, you would have wanted me to be someone else. Obviously, I haven't lost my personality or you wouldn't enjoy reading my blog so much. I'm glad I'm not the mean, irritable, raging wife and mother that I was without medication. Behavior therapy only goes so far. I've tried to wean myself off medication after I felt better, but I learned that the reason I felt better was because I was ON the MEDICATION! I will probably take medication for the rest of my life. My family is not complaining.

The last comment I want to address is, "our society is overmedicating our kids." Maybe. I don't know. But if medication helps an incapacitating problem, why not use it. I don't see it being much different than a growing number of people taking vitamins for their health or Lipitor for their heart or Viagra for their... If it works, use it. Medication isn't just saving lives, it's also saving self-worth and peace of mind and proactively helping curb emotional and physical damage done to people around the medicated person. Now that I think of it, the only people I've heard complain about overmedication are those who don't take any or are unaffected by an individual who is on medication. In other words, they have no idea what they're talking about. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And I think I serve Him much better when I'm taking my Wellbutrin!

Packer Fan for a Day

2011-02-07T18:38:00.000-06:00

Being adamant Viking fans, my son Johnny and I, are careful to make sure we don't mix green and yellow colors for fear that someone might mistake us for Green Bay Packer fans or worse that we will disturb the delicate temperment of superstition, which can cause an entire season to go down the tubes because someone washed the lucky socks or in our case a green Christmas napkin was mistakenly set on the yellow table cloth. You get the picture. We take football seriously. So, it was not easy yesterday to call myself a Packer fan. But the superbowl is a different animal and when a team in your division is playing for the ring, it's time to put away years of animosity and pick up a cheese hat. It was a weird feeling because our fantasy football league has some Packer fans we've been harassing for years. We had two disenters rooting for the Steelers, not because they're steeler fans, but because they weren't willing to join sides with the einemy. I, however, felt like a sibling rivalry turned to fierce support for my family when the fight moved outside our family boundaries. Like brothers that beat each other mercilessly until an outside threat causes them to fight on the same side. Even though it still feels odd, I am happy to see Aaron Roger's smiling face on NFL network which is on 24/7 if Johnny has the remote control.

On another note, one of my faithful readers who is in my fantasy football league asked me why I hadn't posted anything about our fantasy football play offs, division championship and superbowl, especially since I'd talked about it several times through out our season. I told him that after I lost the superbowl game I was in mourning and couldn't get out of bed, let alone post something on my blog. When I did finally start functioning again, I must have subconsciously or maybe consciously, left it behind me. I have had a great fantasy football record, having been in at least half the superbowls since I started playing and winning three superbowl rings. That's not a bad record, but it doesn't make losing the superbowl any easier. Unlike our generation's mantra of, 'everybody is a winner,' NOT everyone FEELS like a winner when they lose. You can tell a bunch of kids who just lost their little league game that they played really good and they are winners just for playing! But kids at a certain age are not aware yet of how they are supposed to act in public and their sad faces and slumped shoulders speak louder than our words. So to my faithful reader, Big Returns, as he's called in our league, congratulations on your superbowl win. But, I'll be impatiently waiting to strip you of your superbowl trophy next year! Sincerely, Barbie (fantasy football name)

Home Value

2011-02-05T13:59:00.000-06:00

I was vacuuming the hallway when I noticed Jenna had duct taped a poster to her door and I wondered if duct tape will come off in three years when she moves out of the house and on to college. Then I started wondering about all the nicks and dents and stains and wondered how much our home value has gone down as a direct result of my kids activities and my inability to keep them from destroying things. And then I started comparing 'house' value vs 'home' value and realized I was focusing on the wrong thing.

In the basement there are hundreds of small holes in our silver insulation. Years ago I came down the stairs to find Andy had stuck all of his action figures into the insulation head first. In the kitchen there is a water stain on the ceiling. Jenna loved baths so when she asked to use our Jacuzzi tub I didn't think anything of it, until I heard rain in the kitchen. I splashed in and stood in shock as a waterfall cascaded from the ceiling light fixture. There are dents in the garage door from Johnny's lacrosse ball and portions of his bedroom ceiling are scraped from my poor attempts to throw the perfect diving pass he insisted on catching before I could tuck him in. We are missing a pain of glass from one of our double pain basement windows where I failed to use my anger management therapy, but if you find anything broken in the garage it was from years ago, because I haven't broken anything now that I've fininshed behavior therapy treatment.

The kid's bathtub is ruined by Jenna's red hair dye, but it seems to have given her the individuality she was craving and now she is focused on getting straight A's through high school so she can go to a good college. My house is not as clean as I would like it to be, but when given the choice to play xbox with my son or dust, the xbox wins every time. And I am good enough now that he has to use more than just his knife to beat me in Call of Duty. However, the paintball course is a different story. Apparently I'm better with a gun than a controller.

I'm sure there is more damage I haven't mentioned or can't remember, but since I'm no longer thinking about the 'house value', I would guess my 'home' value has at the very least tripled. It may even be the most priceless home in the whole neighborhood!

Wrestling with God

2011-01-26T08:21:00.000-06:00

My therapist told me to listen to a podcast by Greg Boyd from Woodland Hills Church called, "The Wrestlers". I put it off until last night when I was doing my homework for our Bible study group and one of the questions asked if I was wrestling with God about something in my life right now. I don't believe in coincidences anymore, so I decided I better listen to the podcast. Greg was talking about Jacob, the grandson of Abraham. Jacob wrestled with a man all night. Turns out the man was God. The weird thing is that it says the man couldn't win the match and after striking Jacob's hip he asked Jacob to let him go because it was already dawn. Jacob said he wouldn't let go until the man blessed him. The man blesses him, changes his name and tells Jacob, who is now named Israel, that he has wrestled with both man and God. So what does that mean? I'm not the greatest listener, but what I got from Greg Boyd's sermon is that God wants us to wrestle with him. Obviously, God could have snuffed Jacob out in a moment, but he wrestled with him all night. And then God didn't chastise Jacob for wrestling with him, he blessed him and renamed him Israel, which means one who struggles with God.

There is so much that could be said here, but blogs are supposed to be short or you lose your readers, so I'll stick to the last point Greg made in his sermon and that is God wants us to be honest with him. Faith is not the absence of struggles. We struggle with God because in the midst of our faith we go through a lot of junk and hard things in life which often beg the question, "why, God?" Our feelings of pain, loss, anger, grief and hurt are all real things that accompany life. God doesn't want me to push them aside and pretend to be a happy, peace filled Christian so I can set a good example by looking good. He wants honesty. He wants me to tell him I'm mad or hurt or in pain. And as long as I'm at it, I could learn from Jacob and ask for a blessing, because I don't want to do all this wrestling for nothing!

Hanging Pictures and other Rambling Nonsense

2011-01-15T13:24:00.000-06:00

I don't feel well today, so I'm going through pictures and putting them in frames or books or throwing them out. I have a few choice pictures I haven't given up on scrapbooking, but the rest are destined to go into the dusty forgotten photo albums. Some of them might even get put in the basement! It makes me think of toy story and how the pictures in the basement might feel worthless because they're not hanging up for all to see. Oh, I can tell my fever is making me delirious. I think I can see candy on my desk. Wait! It's for real. And it's Dove chocolate from Christmas, which reminds me ..... of something, but now I forgot, so anyway, this could be one of my worst posts ever, but I don't like to go too long without posting something.

I just read through the comments that were posted on our church blog about the Christmas service. Most of them said the music was too loud. That's surprising! Our music is always too loud. How many more comments will it take before we actually turn the sound down a little? It reminds me of when I ask for someone's feedback and they tell me something I don't want to hear and I realize I was hoping they were going to help me justifty my decision, so when they don't, I get mad and ask someone else for their feedback until I hear what I want to hear. One of the best things I've ever done in my life is get honest about feedback. Anyone can blame anything on anyone or any circumstance if they want to. Words and actions and thoughts can all be manuevered for our advantage if we want them to. My life didn't start to turn around until I was willing to see that my circumstances don't make me who I am, the way I react to my circumstances makes me who I am and I can only blame myself for the outcome. I'm going to go hang some more pictures.

Memories and Memoirs

2011-01-09T23:01:00.000-06:00

I'm on an organizing kick and since it's only January I haven't run out of steam yet. Tonight I was going through pictures, separating the scrap book worthy shots and the, 'not as good, but I can't throw them away' pictures. The first set of photos were from this past summer; time with my family at a friend's cabin, Johnny's lacrosse games, Andy's baptism, my trip to Colorado with my good friend, Nancy to see another good friend, Nancy. They were all good memories. Then I found some older pictures; the foundation of our house being built in the middle of an empty field, my three little munchkins standing by the Christmas tree, Andy and his first best friend and Jenna asleep on the couch covered with graham crackers. More good memories with a twinge of regret for not enjoying the little bit of time I had with my kids when they were little. And then I found some old pictures; JB's and my first apartment, the day we got engaged, college softball, high school graduation, junior high holding my two year old sister on my shoulders, elementary age with my really hip plaid pants and a picture taken in the winter of me and my dad building a snowman. I look about three years old. I'm wearing a yellow coat with a pointy hat. The snowman is decked out with real charcoal eyes, a top hat, a scarf and a pipe. My dad is crouched down next to me smiling at the camera which I assume my mom was holding. It's a happy scene. While writing my memoir I haven't focused on many happy scenes because the story is about overcoming the unhappy scenes, but it's nice to remember that there were some happy scenes too. And when I worry about some of the mistakes I've made with my kids, I have to remember that the person I am today is a result of both the happy and the sad scenes.
My daughter asked when my book was going to be done because her friends are bugging her to read it. I know I have to finish it, but it's depressing to work on. However, I don't have many doubts that my writing would lack the depth and authenticity that people can relate to if the sad scenes in my life were not part of my story. That does make it easier.

Seven Years of Sobriety

2011-01-08T19:55:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my 7 year sobriety anniversary. I didn't write about it here or post it on facebook yesterday, because I was feeling very vulnerable and it's not easy to label myself as a recovery alcoholic. It's bitter sweet to be congratulated for making it for so long without drinking, because it's a sharp reminder of the damage I did while I was drinking and the complete helplessness that I felt. Years before I started drinking I couldn't believe that a mother would pick drugs or alcohol over her children. I didn't understand then and I wouldn't expect anyone to understand now who hasn't been placed in that situation. I still can't say, "they don't have a choice! It's an addiction!" because everyone has a choice. But, I know how passionately I love my children and the only reason I was able to choose my children over alcohol was because I was caught and I allowed someone to help me. For months I could not have stayed sober without being constantly watched or checked up on. I had tried to do it myself for years. I'd dump bottles of wine down the sink only to buy more. I'd tell myself that I wouldn't drink until my kids fell asleep and then I decided that the alcohol calmed me down and made me a better mom. Even now, after seven years, I can't stay sober without help. You would think it would get easier with every year, and for the most part it has, but this was one of the toughest years I've had since that long, painful first year. There were several times this year that I thought I wasn't going to make it. The desire to drink was so strong I was sure I would relapse. So, how did I do it? I asked for help, again. Every time I didn't think I'd make it, I called a friend.

One of my most despised books is 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Fry. I actually love his writing style and I think it has inspired the way I'm writing my own memoir, but his answer to the desperate, miserable alcoholic is "hold on". What??? Hold on to what??? The beer bottle, the wine box, the tap! In one of his scenes after treatment he goes to a bar and orders a beer. He is mesmerized by the frothy foam spilling over the glass. He pulls it toward his mouth and breathes in the dark barley smell. At this point my mouth was watering and I was looking for my sponsor's phone number. Then he puts it back down on the bar and walks away. That's how HE dealt with his alcoholism. Or wait, a lot of the story was made up, so was he even an alcholic??? I don't know. All I could think of was the message that Oprah had just spread to millions of viewers and readers was, just 'hang on', 'do it yourself', 'you don't need anybody'. That's Bull Sh*t! (I'm for sure not going to edit this post or I'll probably take that out!) People weren't made to do life alone. We were made to be in relationships because we NEED each other. I know I'm the worst example of "sharing" my burdens and feelings with others, but I have made huge progress! Most of the time I talk about my alcoholism I feel stupid, ashamed, less than, weak, not good enough, and crazy, but I talk about it because I hope that someone, somewhere is reading this and realizing they're not alone. It's so much better to feel like a vulnerable, stupid recovering alcoholic with friends, than to feel like a lonely, miserable practicing alcoholic. Trust me. So, thanks to all of my friends and family who help me make it through each year. I couldn't do it without you.

No Guarantees

2011-01-02T00:36:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we don't know what we have until it's gone. I'm listening to a CD that my friend sings on. I haven't heard her sing for years. She sang on the worship team at my church, but has since moved to another church. She sang regularly on a the team and then on special ocassions sang with 2, 3 and sometimes 4 other woman, all with angelic voices that carried me to another place where beauty and peace ruled over the day to day struggles. The songs they sang were always too short because I could listen to them for hours. I heard this friend sang at her church on Christmas and if I had known in time I would have done just about anything to rearrange my schedule in order to hear her. Maybe that sounds weird, but like I said, sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone. Maybe imagine you're favorite band is no longer together or your iPod speakers/headphones go from crisp, sharp sound to static. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be deaf. I took sign language classes in college, so I wondered if I had to choose to be blind or deaf what would I pick. I've come up with the same answer over the years. I would give up seeing the world if I could hear it. I would give up watching my kids grow up in order to listen to them tell me about their day. I would give up rainbows and frost on trees early winter mornings and the reflection of the landscape mirrored off the glass surface of a lake. I'd give those all up to hear the rain beat on my roof as I fall asleep, or hear the crunch of my car tires when it's below zero or the splash of the water and the call of a loon as I paddle around the lake.

I've hit the repeat on my itunes and listened to my friend sing the same song ten times now. I could listen for another hour, but I have to get my kids to bed. I think the next time I get to hear her sing in person it will be more beautiful than ever because I'll be listening harder and praying it won't end. I bet it will feel a lot like when I have lunch with my friend who had cancer. Lunch with her before cancer was nice. Now that's she's beat cancer, every time I see or talk to her is a blessing. I never take it for granted anymore. I look at her longer. I listen closer. Sometimes I miss what's she actually saying because I'm thinking about how grateful I am to just be with her. I think, if I could see all the people that are precious to me, as if I might not see them again I wouldn't take them for granted. I know I can't live like that every day, but maybe if I just imagined on ocassion that there is no guarantee that I will see or hear them again, I might live a little differently, listen a little closer, look a little further, love a little harder.

2011 New Year Restitutions!

2011-01-01T11:48:00.000-06:00

I've had an itch lately to organize every room of my house. I am great at coming up with ideas, but I'm not very good at following through. I'd also like to be more disciplined and start exercising regularly and I might as well eat healthier while I'm at it. These are all things that have been hovering in my mind as the New Year was approaching, but I was hesistant to call them "resolutions", because when I think of New Year's resolutions I put a lot of pressure on myself because the chance to make a New Year resolution only comes once a year. I also have a hard time making little goals because I want BIG changes, so I make huge goals that seem totally possible until I wake up early on January 1st and roll over rather than roll out.

The other problem I have with resolutions is that I make the same ones every year and I do the same thing every year to acheive them and every year I fail. Obviously, that's not working. While wondering how I was going to make it different this year, I thought about the things I have been successful at; I have almost 7 years of sobriety and I've been married for 19 1/2 years. There has to be something else, but that's all I can think of. So, why am I succeeding at those two things? Two things come to mind; they are EXTREMELY important to me and I get help with both of them. When I say extremely important I mean that my life would be radically different without either one and imagining the consequences of losing my sobriety or my marriage or both scares me alot! Enough to motivate me to act. Getting help means going to my AA meetings, seeing my therapist when I need it, and having friends who hold me accountable.

So, how do I translate that to organizing, exercising and eating better? Well, now that I think of it those goals would definately make my life better, but the consequences of not doing them won't radically change who I am. I am me whether there are piles of papers all over my desk or stacks of books on the floor or unfinished projects laying on top of pictures that don't have a home. As a matter of fact, I am probably more "me" with all that stuff lying around than if I had it all put away. And having four different pant sizes in my closet just means there is either more of me or less of me and who doesn't want more of me?! Lol. So, before I run into the kitchen to grab another cup of coffee and some left over chocolate, I think I will skip the resolutions this year to make some restitution with my fragile ego and pat myself on the back for another successful year of marriage, sobriety and honest, true friends.

Finding Christmas Spirit in the Reindeer Accident

2010-12-24T00:10:00.000-06:00

It's the night before Christmas Eve...and all through the house, just kidding. I'm not going to write a corny poem, because my kids are waiting for me to tuck them in and it takes me at least a half an hour to write corny poems. It's JUST starting to feel like Christmas at our house and I'm not sure why it took so long. Johnny thinks it's because he didn't help put any ornaments up so he never got into the spirit. I said he should help me next year and he shrugged me off. I guess it wasn't that important. Andy has been playing xbox for like 72 hours straight, so Christmas snuck up on him while he was killing computer images in the basement. Jenna was buying presents before Thanksgiving so I don't think she's had any trouble with the Christmas spirit. I've done a better job of shopping early than ever, yet I still felt like it snuck up on me. I didn't really feel like it was Christmas until tonight when I was in the car with Johnny doing his shopping and we heard the famous Christmas song, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer". Sorry mom, but we belted that one out as the snow was drifting from the sky like one of those Jimmy Stewart movies and for us, Christmas was here!

SO, if I don't get to my blog again until afterward, have a Merry Christmas and hopefully I'll be back to wish you a Happy New Year!!!

Fighting Fear with Faith

2010-12-10T12:30:00.000-06:00

I just wrote a really nice little post about Christmas and presents and the gift of Jesus, etc and it sounded really great, but it's not what I'm really feeling today. This morning I was writing in my prayer journal. I asked God to help me get out of this negative, depressing state of mind that I'm in and I began to realize that most of the chaos in my life is there as a result of fear. I fear rejection, so I have a hard time sharing how I feel about anything which affects my marriage and friendships. I fear my kids will grow up like I did, so I give them more than I should in material things and I give them all the time they ask for leaving myself depleted, which really only hurts them in the long run. I fear failure so I put off writing my book. I don't let myself feel my emotions because I fear I will fall apart and be rejected. I have refused to forgive because I fear that justice will never be served and it will all be forgotten.
If faith and fear cannot live together, then I obviously don't have as much faith as I thought I had. So, I prayed for faith. One of my favorite verses in the new testament is where a father is pleading for Jesus to heal his son and he says, "I believe... please, help me believe." I hear myself in those words, "Yes, God, I believe you can heal me, because I really want to be healed, but I do have my doubts, you know, so please, help me believe it."
I don't really have any physical ailments I need to be healed of. Yes, I could lose a few pounds and my neck is sore most mornings, but I have been emotionally sick for a long time and I'm tired of the effects it has on my life. So, I'm focusing my energy on conquering my fears, which means I have to be brave enough to trust that God knows what He's doing and if I fall apart He will put me back together and if I get rejected, He won't reject me and if I fail, He will give me another chance and if I forgive He will never forget. Ha! Easier said than done. I don't have a nice ending to wrap this up, probably because I'm just at the beginning.

"Feeling" Better, Literally

2010-12-05T00:04:00.000-06:00

In our last DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) class we talked about the five senses and how you can use them to relax when you feel anxious. It wasn't until I did the homework that I realized how much I use my sense of touch when I feel stressed. I love the feel of my keyboard on this laptop as I type. It's the number one reason for my choosing this laptop. Yes, it has a great entertainment system I don't know how to use and it's got a lot of memory and all that jazz, but I fell in love with the keys. After I thought about it, every time I walk by a bunch of laptops at an electronics store I play with the keys. That's how I decide if I like it or not. I also had this squishy thing I got at Creative Kidstuff. I loved the way it felt in my hands. There are dozens of varieties of these toys in the stores, but after losing my squishy I've never found another one that feels like that one did. I like writing with certain types of pens and I love playing with candle wax on my fingers.

I related with the other senses like the smell of a candle, the sound of a waterfall, the taste of chocolate and the sight of a sunrise and I love all of those things, but when when I'm looking to calm myself either consciously or subconsciously I find things I like to touch. It is interesting to become aware of how we respond and deal with stress and pitfalls in life. What I love about this class is the realization that I have more control than I think over how I react to these situations and there are many, many more ways to improve my life right at this moment than I think. It's very easy for me to overlook the little things. I think that I'd be happier if I won the lottery or my family was perfect or I had some really respectable job, but if I want to feel better sometimes all I have to do is eat some ice cream or get a back rub from my son or listen to some music or call a friend OR write another post on my blog. Yup, I feel better already.

Six O'Clock in my new Midnight

2010-11-30T20:19:00.000-06:00

One of the exercises I read about that writers do when they're stuck is to write a stream of consciousness which means you just write whatever comes to mind without any breaks punctuation basically anything goes that way you don't get stuck on rules and perfectionism and wondering if anything you write is good enough or if your gift is just one of those that doesn't matter that much because you don't use it 99 percent of the day so you feel totally worthless because you don't keep appointments without great effort and you forget stuff and your a little disorganized, etc.....so today even though this is killing me a little i'm just going to write whatever comes to mind for another two hundred words because it's been a long time since I've posted anything here and every time i sit down to do so i can't think of anything to say that i want to tell anyone. sure there are plenty of things going on in my head, but I really don't want those things out on my blog for anyone to read because i know that just because i don't care about something doesn't mean the people close to me don't care and maybe whatever it is i wanted to write wouldn't be ok with them which is one of the reasons it's so hard to finish my book. there's a lot in there that i don't know that i want out into the hands of anybody and there will be things about my family that they might not want out there and i love them too much to give up our great family get togethers just to write a book, so i better make sure i leave time for them to read this book before i actually want to publish it because i need their ok before i do it.

I really really really want to delete all this and walk away from my computer because it doesn't even make sense, but i think i'll keep it here, because it's a start and i need to start somewhere. thanks for reading my blog. And if you've every commented or asked me about my blog you have no idea how much i appreciate that because it's the only reason i come back here and write another post.

Oasis in the Desert

2010-11-05T10:01:00.000-05:00

A few of my friends and I started a Bible study three weeks ago. It's about being filled with the Holy Spirit and how it affects our lives good or bad depending on whether you're simply going to church vs. really knowing who God is and what He wants for my life. This Bible study has been like a huge jug of cold water after walking for weeks through the desert. I should know by now that when things get tough it's good to let go of control and trust that God is taking care of everything, but I still want control and I still want my way, so it's hard to let go. I'm not sure why I want my way when I know that God's way is better. Maybe it's because my way is easier even though the results aren't as great and I'm not a long term thinker. Maybe it's because I don't care what the results are, I just don't want to deal with pain. Or maybe it's that I don't really believe that God's way is better. It's so easy to say something we've been taught, like trust Jesus or everything happens for a reason, His ways are higher than our ways. But when the rubber meets the road and we are actually in a position to trust in a real situation I think our actions speak louder than words. Do I really trust God or do I just say that because that's what Christians are supposed to say?

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:3-5

Fortunately, I have some really great people in my life who I've watched go through tough times and I've watched them make decisions I'm not sure I could have made and then watched God work in their life. I hope and pray I can be as brave as they are. It's always easier for me to be brave when I'm not alone. I know it's one of the many reasons God put them in my life.

East Ridge Raptors in the Dome

2010-10-25T18:12:00.000-05:00

Well, Johnny's East Ridge Raptor's team looked a lot like the Vikings in the dome last week. We played well for the first two quarters, then looked like a different team the second half and then had a great drive the last couple minutes of the game, but it was too late by then. I know I said it was going to be great just to be IN the dome whether we win or lose, but after losing, the dome wasn't as great especially as we watched the opposing team hoist a 3 1/2 foot trophy in the air. Everyone's heard the saying, 'it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.' I think this statement was made by a mother to her child after a lost championship game and it stuck. I don't think it's an either/or statement. It should be both. Yes, I do think it matters how you play the game, because it's not right to play cheap and it's not fun to win when you didn't play well. But it's also not fun to lose even if you played really well...ESPECIALLLY when you play really well.

When Johnny was in t-ball, the parents weren't allowed to keep score and the kids weren't allowed to get out. They got up to bat, went to first base whether they hit the ball or not, and continued around the bases whether the fielding team got them out or not. Even at the young age of four, these kids knew something was wrong. They all knew what the score was at the end of the game, because they kept track. And they all got frustrated when they made a great play, but weren't allowed to get the batter out. They continued to make plays, but you could tell their motivation was gone. Who wants to work hard when your results are erased or discounted? It was really ridiculous, embarassing even.

Johnny inherited my competitive spirit and we've talked all year through lacrosse and football season about how it's weird that many of his teammates seem just as happy after a losing game as they do after winning. Part of me wonders if I'm one of those overbearing parents that lives through their children's sports, but I think it's more likely that I'm refusing to teach my children to embrace the irresponsibility of socialism. By the way, don't forget to vote in the upcoming election!

Creating a Story at the Metrodome!

2010-10-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

I’m reading a book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It talks about the story of our lives. One example is a Dad watching the sports channel when his daughter comes downstairs in the dress she just bought for prom. Dad says it’s a nice color and it looks great on her, but as she goes back upstairs he knows he should have said more and that he disappointed his daughter. He decides to do something about it, so he turns off the television, puts on a suit and grabs the camera. They ended up dancing in the living room and telling stories while going through old pictures of when he and his wife were dating. He created a moment in their story they’ll never forget.

One Christmas I spent a lot of money on our kids hoping it would be their best Christmas ever. A month later one of them commented about how much fun it was to spend time with their aunts and uncles and can we have them over again soon? They didn’t remember the stuff. They remembered the stories we created. I know I’ve written about his before, but with the daily rat race and schedule and housework, I can get depressed really fast and I forget how to get out of the rut. I painted my living room a couple weeks ago and now I’m doing the kitchen. There’s a lot of work to do and it’s going to look really nice, but it’s not a fun story, so I’m going to try to get it done so I can focus on the stuff that will make a good story, like Johnny’s football game this week. He’s playing in the Metrodome downtown. It’s not a championship game or anything, but I’m going to take a picture of him kissing the turf because the Vikings play on that turf. And I’ve invited all of my family and a couple of his friends are coming with us and we’re going to order pizza afterward. It would be great if they win, but even winning isn’t going to matter in this story because the event itself is going to be awesome. The fact that I can even say that shows the power of creating a fun story.

Laundry Couch Potatos

2010-10-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

My facebook status yesterday gots lots of laughs. It said, "I was talking to Ann on the phone when she said she was just folding her last piece of laundry. I haven't been caught up on my laundry since January of 2004." I knew that sounded funny, but often the things people find funny aren't things I have to make up and think about for awhile. They're just daily events and ocurrances that happen to all of us, but I say them out loud without thinking first. So, what's the difference between my inability to catch up on anything house work related and my neighbor? (no neigbor in particular) My attitude. I used to beat myself up really bad for not being more organized. Now I laugh at it and make fun of myself. Why? Well, why not? I think its imperative to find the humor in life, because we don't have to look hard for the hopelessness or pain or frustration. It's all there ready and waiting for us to grab hold of it because it's easy.

Our Bible study group is talking about and practicing how to change our thoughts because all of our actions follow our thoughts. When we have actions or reactions that we don't want, we need to change our thinking before anything else. The older I get the more urgency I feel to live life the way I want to live it; to be proactice and make choices rather than be reactive and blame my circumstances on other people or situations. The truth is there are people with way worse situations than me that have a better attitude than I do. It's not about my circumstances. It's about how I handle my circumstances. I have five baskets of laundry on my couch. They've been there for three days. I could feel shame for being such a lousy housekeeper or anger because it's so irritating when everyone wears the clean clothes after I wash them! But instead I smile and decide to write about it on my blog, because I'm a writer and I'm good at that. While I was on the computer I picked up a new defense for my fantasy football team because my team has a bye week. When Andy gets home we'll probably play a little Halo. I could let it bother me that I have a couch full of laudry OR I could be thankful that we have two couches!

Camp Getaway Kitchen Guru

2010-10-05T09:23:00.000-05:00

This past weekend worked in the kitchen at Camp Getaway, one of our youth group's favorite events. I have secretly wanted to go to Camp Getaway because it's one of the teen's favorite events at our church and I've been dying to see "the cliff" they all talk about. The view from the cliff was a little anti-climatic after my trip to Colorado, but I digress. I have always thought about going as a cabin leader. I have never considered working in the kitchen. I don't like to cook. I don't like to be in the kitchen. I don't like to plan meals. I don't like to dirty lots of pots and pans when I could get the same number of calories eating a peanut butter sandwich and using one knife and I have legitimate concerns about working in the kitchen. I have set taco shells on fire in my oven. I have burned almost every grilled cheese sandwich I have ever made. One year I forgot to put the sweet potatos out for Thanksgiving and found them in the oven at Christmas. I have made Campbell's chicken noodle soup WITHOUT adding the can of water. I know where the fire extinguisher is and how to take the battery out of the fire alarms.

Fortunately, for everyone involved, I was just a lowly helper doing what I was told. Loretta Haley has been the Camp Getaway kitchen guru for years and what a blessing she is to these two big weekends of spiritual growth and fun for our teenagers. I agreed to be in the kitchen when I found out my friend Kris Newman would be in there, but I didn't know Loretta very well. Not only is she a sweet, funny and enjoyable person to work with, she made some of the best food I've ever eaten and she didn't fall asleep while I was telling her a story (Kris!) Not only does she plan, shop, prepare and make the food, she does all this like she's strolling through the park on a sunny day. Most ultra organized people I know are a little uptight and controlling. Loretta was calm, relaxed and the furthest thing from controlling. We had plenty of work to do but never felt rushed or overwhelmed. She didn't get mad at me when I slept in a little Sunday. And she was totally cool with me licking the cake batter bowl. It was the best kitchen experience I've ever had. It could be that I'm just really fun to work with so everyone was having fun or it could be that I was clueless and Loretta and Kris did 90% of the work while I wasn't paying attention. Either way, thank you, Loretta, Kris, Rachel and Jessica for a super fun weekend. I'll see you next year!

Friends are like Cookies

2010-10-01T15:01:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to simplify my life so I have plenty of time to write during the day while the kids are at school, but one thing I won't give up is my coffee time with Cathy and Sharon. We were all in a church small group together and even though that group is no longer meeting, we have continued to have our irregular coffee times. Most of my friends are in the same stage of life as I am with kids in high school or jr. high. This friendship is different. Cathy is a grandmother of some of the most beautiful children I've ever seen. Sharon has four boys, five including her husband. Her youngest one is in high school. And I'm still in the running around like crazy with my head cut off stage.

I have wondered what it is that brings us together, because other than seeing Cathy at church once a month for five minutes and working with Sharon once or twice a month for a couple hours, we don't see each other outside of our coffee time. We just got together yesterday morning and after I got home I found a couple of books that spoke to the topics we had brought up at coffee, so I e-mailed the titles and because I feel so much better after our time together I let them know that they are two of the very few people I give up my writing time for. Their replies answered my question about why our friendship works. Trust, understanding, and unconditional love. When there are so many hard things to deal with in life, having friends like these is a blessing that's hard to describe. If I had to describe it I would say it's a combination of finding a flash light that actually works after the power goes out and curling up in front of the fire place with a glass of milk and a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies.

Being a Tortoise in a Harry World

2010-09-27T08:40:00.000-05:00

On facebook a friend said, 'I wish the pace of life would slow down.' Me too. Being in Colorado for five days where the pace of life IS slower, I found that my life is moving faster than I'd like. I'm still trying to figure out how we packed in so much fun, yet never felt rushed. One day we had coffee while we walked by the river. Then we walked through town. We packed lunches and drove into the mountains to visit a ghost town. We took time to look over a plethera of antique metal for sale. We stalled by the chipmunks eating out of our hands which were too cute to leave. We went up to another town ghost town and ate our lunch. We climbed a mountain trail to Agnus Falls, talking and taking pictures. We sat in the hot springs along the river for what seemed like half the day. We visited the Young Life Youth Camp and drove to Buena Vista to eat dinner outside on the patio. We even waited awhile for a table. How did we do all that without feeling rushed? My only clue comes from the skills I learned in my behavioral group. It's called 'Mindfulness'. It means mentally being right where you are. It sounds obvious, but how often am I thinking about a hundred other things that have to get done rather than what I'm doing right now? As I write this I have laundry going and I'm thinking about two people I need to call today and I want to write out my budget on paper and the floor needs vacuuming and I need to clean the bathrooms and there's a meeting tonight and Johnny's football practice. I'm not saying I shouldn't be planning ahead by making lists for the day or the week. I'm saying that a lot of times I'm planning ahead so much I forget to live what I planned.

Sunday I went paintballing with my brother, my kids and some of their friends. I wasn't thiking about bills or painting my kitchen or a number of tasks on my list. I was thinking about pain as I was pelted three of four times slushing through ankle deep water to take cover. I've only missed playing paint ball once because I realized as I sat on a bench watching that I was missing out on building memories and relationships. It also looked like a lot of fun! There was a time when I realized my calendar didn't match my priorities, so I vowed to change. I began to put action behind my priorities. I began to say yes everytime Johnny asked me to play catch in the back yard. I said yes every time Andy asked me to play xbox and I said yes when Jenna asked me if I wanted to hear the song she wrote. I know I can't always say 'yes', but I used to pass up all of those precious moments because I was doing more important things like housework! I still have regrets, but I'm very thankful I learned this lesson before my kids were grown. And after a lot of years living frantically like the rabbit in the story of the tortoise and the hare, it's been good to learn how to be a tortoise. Though I can't slow down time itself, I can slow myself down and enjoy special little moments throughout the day. For me, it's just a matter of being still enough to recognize them when they come.

Finding Peace in Colorado

2010-09-21T09:48:00.000-05:00

I’m listening to a CD I bought at the airport. The sounds of a single flute played by a Native American fill the inside of my minivan and I’m transported to the Arkansas River in the little town of Salida, Colorado, where my friend Nancy has lived for several years now. I just got back from my first visit to her new home and the notes of the flute echoing off the canyon walls take me to several of the places I experienced with her; eating lunch at 11,000 feet overlooking thousands of quaking aspens shimmering yellow leaves in an endless mountain range, walking through a mining ghost town where a one room school house, a bed and breakfast, and a jail among other deteriorating buildings tell the story of a small community who forged through impossibly rough territory to make a living, resting my head on a rock as I lie in the warm water of a hot spring alongside the cold river water, shooting a 12 gauge shot gun at the trap shoot and kicking an empty shell out of the barrel with a flick of my wrist. It seems odd to me that I would feel peace during these great adrenaline rushes, but maybe I have the wrong idea about peace. Maybe peace comes from feeling like I’m really alive. Maybe peace isn’t the absence of trials. Maybe it is living life to the fullest and having hope for the future. There's a lot more to that story, so I'll write about peace and hope in my next several posts.

Day 8 of Kids in School

2010-09-15T09:16:00.000-05:00

Day 8 of kids in school, but too much is happening right now to talk about the relaxing, enjoyable life without kids at home in the morning. First day of school Johnny had a football game. Second day of school we had an awesome dinner with friends. Third day of school JB picked up Andy and headed to Arrowwood Resort in Alexandria for the yearly EMS conference which is always conveniently set on the first weekend after school starts. Normally, we take the kids out of school and all go up together, but Jenna and Johnny's classes at Math and Science Academy are getting too intense to miss a day, so we were going to head up there after school on Friday, but had to wait until after Johnny's saturday mornning game so we went to family fun night at East Ridge and watched the Varsity team go 2 - 0 beating Hastings. We had a great 24 hours of swimming, arcade, and conference activities with our really good friends that we only see once a year at this conference. We left Alexandria early enough to shop a little at the Albertville Outlet Center (where I bought a cute hat for Jenna and lost it between the store and catching up to her on the side walk. ugh!) We got home in time for the Vikings opener a.k.a. Fantasy Football and a chance to mow the super long grass. This week is going to be a little calmer with just football, work, public safety dinner, guitar lessons, bash night (the biggest, most fun evening for youth at our church with every inflatable game you can think of and lots of food and games and more food.) Oh, and I'm leaving tomorrow to Salida, CO to visit my friend Nancy LaCroix! Nancy moved out there a few years ago with her family (very cool story that I don't have room for here.) But I haven't been to CO since I was nineteen, so I'm excited to see the mountains as well as my good friend. It will probably be very hard to come back home, so my other friend Nancy is traveling wtih me and she's in charge of kicking my butt back into the car and getting me on the plane home next Monday. So, I'm hoping to have some great pictures and good stories...or more likely great stories and good pictures. Maybe they'll both be great...if I remember it all by the time I get home. Lol. Have a GREAT week! or however long it takes for me to write another post.

xBox is Out, School is In

2010-09-07T08:34:00.000-05:00

The xbox is turned off, the movies are back on the shelf, bikes will sit idol in the garage until I hang them on the rafters, the fire pit and roasting sticks have most likely been used for the last time this year, pictures and paint samples on the table are replaced by pens, notebooks, a calculater and a stapler. It's eight o'clock and there's no noise in the house, which isn't unusual with teenagers. Mine were sleeping until noon every day. But it seems quieter when they're gone than when they're sleeping. Maybe because when I say noise, I don't mean just the sounds I hear or don't hear, I mean the feeling I get when I am with someone vs. the emptiness I feel when I'm home alone. Several of my friends have kids who've left for college. I still have three years before having to face that stage of life, but the beginning of every school year and the emptiness of the house while they're at school is a reminder that it won't be long before my house won't just be empty from 7:00 - 3:00, but maybe from the end of August until Thanksgiving or Christmast and then maybe even longer. It's 8:10 now and my day is completely scheduled, but I'm thankful for that or I might just sit by the window and miss my kids all day. I've read that for every word I blog, I'm not writing my book, so it's back to my book, but I couldn't just start on my book this morning without mentioning that I miss my kids.

All the World's a Stage...

2010-09-01T22:56:00.000-05:00

There are a few things in my life that I wish I had more control over. My initial reaction is to start thinking about all the possible ways I could get more control. Then I begin to think about all the different things I could do with that control. Pretty soon, I'm Mother Theresa caring for the poor, administering justice and bringing peace to all. Yes, I'm laughing too. Like Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and all the men and women, merely players." I catch myself all the time trying to be the director instead of one of the players. A lot of us egotistical people do that, which is probably why life often looks like a really poorly written play. Most of us are not willing to play our specific parts. We want a starring role even if we don't have the ability to memorize more than 3 lines. Or we want to rewrite some of our lines. And there are people who are in the play and don't know it. And there are people who are in the play, but refuse to accept they are in the play. I'm sure there are thousands of combinations of blunders.
The reason I like a play as a metaphor for life is because it reminds me of when I watched my kids perform in a school play. They were SO serious about getting their lines just right or singing the right song or holding up the right sign at the right time, when as parents, we were so proud to have them on stage at all and they were perfect no matter what they did wrong, sometimes even making a blunder that marked the play as "perfectly" adorable to us. I think that's how God feels when he watches me try to direct and rewrite and play someone else's part. I'm perfectly adorable. Ha.
I gotta get to bed. It's late and I have a big day tomorrow and I have to remember to find my lines and get away from the director's chair and just play my part. I think I'll be much happier. And I bet the people around me will be happier too. :)

Three Great Investments

2010-08-30T08:28:00.000-05:00

I’m in my car at Woodbury Lutheran Church where my oldest, Andy, is waiting for the city bus to go to his new school in St. Paul. I’m worried about his bus pass working and whether he really knows where to go for all his classes or if he’s just telling me he knows because he’s tired of me asking. He’s the tallest person at the bus stop including the adults, but he’s using a shark back pack and he has a Transformers lunch box. The only difference between watching him board his first city bus and watching him board his first school bus is about two and a half feet and some facial hair. My friend and I were talking about how it seemed like it was yesterday that we dropped our kids off at the child care for our mom’s group and now she is taking her daughter to college this week. I know we’re all in the same boat because I’ve heard this before from everyone who is hitting any milestone with their kids. Time flies. So, my focus today will not necessarily remain captive by worry about the future and how fast my kids are growing up, although I’m sure I’ll be fighting off those thoughts. I am going to let myself FEEL whatever it is I’m feeling; sad, excited, nervous, loss and then I’m going to LIVE in today. I’m going to enjoy my coffee, do some housework, bring Jenna to the orthodontist, do some writing and when Andy gets home from school I’m going to ask him about everything! Did you find your classes? Did you see your friends? Did you meet anyone new? Where did you eat lunch? And I’ll listen with rapt attention because I know this time with him is precious and will be gone as fast as it came. And though I tell myself that I could be spending my time more productively I know my best return on investment is being involved in my kid’s lives. Money and work and projects and hobbies and even friends come and go, but my kids, even though they will grow up, will always be my kids.

"Eat, Pray, Love"

2010-08-25T06:04:00.000-05:00

It took me five attempts to get started on the popular book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and I only made it halfway through before seeing the movie. When I commented on how I was having a tough time getting into the book, one person asked me if I was in a search of something out of life or if I'd already found it. If I'd already found what I was looking for then I probably wouldn't be very into this book because the book is about a journey and as a reader you'll only want to go with her if you are also searching. That was the most insightful answer I've heard in a long time about anything. It made so much sense because I'm not searching for anything. Yes, there are a lot of things I want and I have goals I am working toward, but they are all extras. What I mean is that I already did my search. I spent hundreds of volunteer hours searching for self-esteem. I spent another large chunk of time searching for tomorrow believing today wasn't good enough. And I spent a lot of time building aquaintences with many people instead of relationships with a few great ones God hand picked for me. Becoming an alcoholic and going to treatment was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Without being forced to look at my life from a different angle and trust what others were trying to tell me, I don't believe I would have figured it out myself and I would have missed the very best life has to offer, which was right under my nose all along.

LiTtlE baBy TuRkey HeAds

2010-08-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

I've been gone for a week at my friends cabin, so I'm afraid I may have lost all five of my readers! Nothing got done at home while I was gone of course. The bills didn't pay themselves, the mail didn't stop coming and the laundry piled up. JB and the boys did clean up the kitchen and living room before Jenna and I got home which is my favorite welcome home gift. Normally, I have a hard time organizing my day, but after a little vacation it becomes extremely hard to keep up because I haven't figured out a way to stop time or if not time itself, then at least the amount of information that is thrown into a "to do" pile while I'm not around. Last night when I drove by my church with a full parking lot I knew I must be missing something. I was right. I made Jenna change her plans for this evening because I thought it was our East Ridge football family event, but that's not until next month and we won't even be in town for that, except that Johnny might have a game while we're out of town, so I don't know if he will actually get to go or if Jenna and Andy will get to go or how much school we can miss or not miss or what is happening with school because Andy is going to a new school and we don't have any school schedules yet or maybe we do and I just haven't found them yet or I deleted the e-mail or haven't gotten to it or who KNOWS how many other things there are sitting in a pile of 'stuff' for me to go through! So, how do I function in all this mess??? I used to drink. Ha. That didn't really help get anything done though. Now, I go through a priority list in my head. What's the most important thing to me? My family. What do I need to do for them? I need to wash some underwear for JB. I need to keep track of how many hours Andy is driving with me now that he has his permit! I need to remind Jenna to take the frosting and cake mix to her friend's house today so they can make their pokemon cup cakes and I need to get Johnny to East Ridge today to meet up with his football team to watch the Varsity team scrimmage. Everything else will get done when it gets done or when I get the 'past due' envelope in the mail. Lol. Oh, and I have also learned to enjoy the little things like watching our dog chase a frog last night or stopping on the side of the road Wednesday to watch the baby turkey's run through the field where all we could see were their little heads bobbing and weaving through the grass behind their parents. Those things used to seem so mundane. I hugley underestimated the power of nature to calm my racing mind. I've got to go now. I have a lot to do and I don't want to miss a chance meeting with nature while staring at my computer screen.

I Try to Ignore Stupid People

2010-08-11T09:10:00.000-05:00

I didn't think I was a prejudice person, but I have to admit that I have a problem with "stupid people". I know you guys who read my blog are not among the stupid people, so really this is just a venting session. I'm so sorry. On The Morning Show a woman who has had back problems is blaming her Yoga class for two ruptured discs in her back which caused her excrutiating pain. ... The show goes on to explain some facts about Yoga, how instructors are educated and certified and how YOU can prevent an injury by following some safety guidelines. Here's some safety guidelines I've made up myself: 1) Don't twist your back in weird positions when you have a back injury. 2) If it hurts, stop it! 3) If a class of yoga participants is jumping off the cliff, don't follow them. 4) If you are stupid, try to keep yourself off of national news media. This is not far removed from the stupid McDonalds hot coffee spill lady. If you don't know who I'm talking about you're not reading my blog anyway because you don't know what a blog is.

I went to a Yoga class once. My friend was taking a class at the YMCA and kept inviting me to go with her. Thinking that I needed to find some ways to calm my mind I thought maybe this would be a good exercise for me. We all got out our matts and started doing some poses. I'm sure we did something else, but I don't remember much from that experience. What I do remember was hearing the basketballs bouncing in the gym next to our class and how it completely broke my concentration because all I wanted to do was run out of the yoga room and start shooting some hoops. Speaking of sports, FANTASY FOOTBALL IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!! My league's draft date is just a couple of weeks away and my son, Johnny, just had his second football practice last night. We've been practicing in the back yard. I'm Brett Favre and he's Adrian Peterson on the hand-offs or Percy Harvin on the pass routes. Our practicing has been cut short because I hurt my arm throwing the ball. I was thinking about blaming the East Ridge Athletic Association because if they didn't pressure the kids to be so good, we wouldn't have to practice in the back yard. However, this is a long term injury that I just keep aggravating, so I think I'll go back a couple years to the Woodbury Athletic Association and see if I can develop a case. I could probably even go back to my Mahtomedi High School softball days which is where I wore out my arm in the first place. Maybe I could even get on The Morning Show! I didn't think they were that desperate for stories, but I guess I was wrong!

What's Your Story?

2010-08-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

My daughter was in the kitchen washing her hands and I said, “You have such cute little fingers.” She smiled. We’ve talked about her cute little fingers before because she has a hard time playing the chords on her guitar and we paint her nails a lot. We don’t paint mine because I don't like the feeling of nail polish on my nails. She was also wearing her glasses this morning because she hadn’t put her contacts in and she looks so smart with her glasses on and it made me think about how she knows who she is. She knows she’s smart, creative, loves photography and playing her guitar. She knows she is a child of God. She likes people who live on the fringe vs. the popular crowd. She likes mission trips to inner city kids and can’t wait to go to Jersey City again to work with the super diverse culture there. She’s only fourteen, so there are plenty of things about herself yet to discover, but I think about myself and realize I didn’t figure out who I was until… well, probably last week sometime. I’ve been reading a book by Donald Miller about creating a great story for your life, like instead of just letting life happen and react to it, you think about the story you want to write and you do something today that will help write that story. And if you have a story that is interesting enough, maybe your kids won’t wander away looking for their own story because they want to be part of your story. If that doesn’t make sense, I’ll be writing more about it after I finish the book because I think it is such an incredible way to think about life. Til next time!

Willow Creek Leadership Summit and TOMS Shoes

2010-08-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

Every Year Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington, Illinois lead by Senior Pastor Bill Hybels puts on a Global Leadership Summit where church and business leaders from all over the world speak and inspire with their experience, success and faith. This year 76 countries, 400 cities and over 100,000 people participated, listening to speakers such as Tony Dungy, business writer Jim Collins, CEO of Gore & Associates Terri Kelly among others. One of my favorite speakers was Blake Mycoskie who created TOMS shoes. It's a new business concept that gives a pair of shoes to someone in need for every pair of shoes that is sold. They don't have a marketing budget because the people who buy their shoes pass on the message and people want to buy TOMS shoes because they want to be part of something great.
So why does a stay at home mom who writes a blog and hopes to ride across the country on a motorcycle someday want to go to a leadership summit? Because I want to be part of something great! I think everyone wants to be part of something great. For many years I looked all over for something great to be a part of. I organized a Moms club, I worked with a Women's Ministry on all kinds of great things. I finallly realized (thank you, God!) that none of these other great things mattered if my life at home wasn't great. When I refocused and worked hard to be part of my kid's great lives, their lives became great and so did mine.
There are hundreds and thousands of great things that are worthy to be part of, but I would tell anyone that if you are not part of your kid's great stuff, then all the other great things won't seem so great anymore.

WCCO Interviews the Marketing Director for the Mormon Ad Campaign

2010-08-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

The Mormon church was started in the 1800's by Joseph Smith who was praying to God to figure out which church he should join. In his account which is written in the Pearl of Great Price (Mormon scripture) he was visited by two "personages" who came down from the sky in a pillar of light. Joseph says, "I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the personage who addressed me said that all of their creeds were an abomination in his sight, and that all their teachings were corrupt."
Two nights ago WCCO did a segment about the recent barage of Mormon advertising after receiving e-mails from viewers asking what it's all about. They interviewed Ron Wilson, the marketing director for the newly launched Mormon ad campaign. When asked about the ads he said, "Our efforts are really to help people understand that Mormons are not as different as you would think." Not as different as what? The corrupt, abominatable group of Christians that the rest of us are? This isn't an old story that Mormons don't know. This is in their sacred scriptures. Joseph Smith is revered to a Mormon so much more than Jesus Christ. Why, if all the other churches are an abomination, is the Mormon church trying to tell us that they are not that much different than us??? It is like every other thought or idea that comes out of the Mormon church. It is contradictory. The public relations and marketing teams are constantly fighting contradictions because they are not telling the truth. It is like the person who tells one lie, then covers that lie with another lie and so on until they are in a massive tangle of lies. The Mormon church is held up in a web of lies so great they are constantly "updating" their doctrines, editing their scriptures and changing their strategies. Just twenty years ago I was taught as a Mormon that we are NOT like everyone else. We were told we are the one and only true church and no one will live with God the father in eternal life unless they are Mormon. So, what are the Mormons trying to say in this new campaign? What are their similarites? Well, they are human beings with families and jobs and hobbies and gifts, created and loved by God. Other than that, I think Mormons are even more different than we think. More to come as this is just the beginning of the marketing campaign!

Coloring in the Lines

2010-08-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a break from writing about Mormonism. I'm reading a book right now called, The Artist's Way, or something like that. I'm not very far but it's already helping me think outside the box. If you know me, you may be thinking, but you already think outside the box! Yes, but I'm stuck! and I think I know why; it's summer. In the summer I have no routines or schedules to use to plan around. I used to think that rules and routines were constricting (and they still feel that way) but as my anxiety creeps in as the summer goes by I realize that rules and routines have a great function in my life. They give me guidance and boundaries so I can be creative without worrying about coloring outside the lines. I used to work with a group of women who were very organized and could formulate an efficient plan to acheive a goal. Within that kind of structure I could be as absolutely creative as I wanted to be because I KNEW they would reign in the pieces that didn't fit and cut out the ideas that didn't work. On the other hand, when I've worked with unorganized people who can't see the big picture and do a lot of micro managing, I don't have the freedom to be creative because I have to spend a lot of time worrying about details and whether my ideas are going to work well or not. We still have a month of summer vacation left and I am faithfully taking my medication, (which the pharmacy gave me another NEW generic, which is another topic I would like to cover!) So, I'm going to try to enjoy our last month of no schedules and when school starts, I'll be grateful to get up at 6 a.m.

But Don't Mormons Believe in Jesus?

2010-07-30T14:32:00.000-05:00

It's hard to argue that a Mormon isn't a Christian if they confess that they believe Jesus Christ is their savior. It's the foundation of every Christian! But Jesus Christ is a different person in the Mormon church. In the Mormon church Jesus is not part of the trinity. He is not God in the form of man. He is literally every human being's brother. In the Mormon church we all existed in a pre earth life. God was our father and Jesus was one of his spirit children just like the rest of us. When it came time to plan how we would all be saved, Jesus offered to die for all of us. God liked the plan, so he went with it. There is so much more to this story, but not enough room to get it all in. In essence, Jesus opened the door for us to be saved, but we have to follow a set of principles and ordinances (rules) in order to go through the door and live in God's presence. You won't find a cross anywhere in a Mormon church or temple, because Jesus' sacrifice is not enough, the point being, Jesus Christ in the Mormon church is not the same Jesus Christ in the Christian church. You cannot believe in both because they are conflicting ideas. One is God. One is not God. One is our total cost for eternity in heaven. The other is a great sacrifice, but not enough to enter God's presence after death. These are not small, petty differences. These are the basic concepts of both the Christian faith and the Mormon faith.

So, why make is so confusing? If the Mormon church believes they are the only true church on the earth at this time, why not say so rather than spend millions of dollars on advertising to portray themselves as 'just like everyone else?' One simple answer is that Satan is the ultimate deceiver. If the road to hell looked dark and scary and there were screams of pain and blood stains on the trail, we'd do whatever we could to get out of there. But if the road to hell is white and shiny and filled with wonderfully kind people, who are just like us, welcoming us along the way and beautiful sounds from the tabernacle choir are echoing down the path it would be very easy to think you were going the right way.

False Advertising: Recent Mormon tv and radio Ads

2010-07-29T15:40:00.000-05:00

My friend, Linda asked me what was up with all the Mormon advertising lately. I couldn't find any, so she sent me a link to a web site. The ads are showing regular people doing their regular lives. They are saying Mormons are JUST LIKE YOU. There was a chat line available while I was on the site, so I thought I'd try it out. Here's what happened. I asked the woman why she considered herself a Christian because there is a big difference between the God Mormons believe in and the God Christians believe in. She gave me an answer, but the answer was word for word what was on her script. How do I know that? Because they are the same words I was taught as a child in the Mormon church. "We believe in God the father, in Jesus Christ his son and in the Holy Ghost." I told her that the Bible's message is that Jesus died for our sins so we could be saved not through works but by faith alone. I asked her if she believed in her salvation through faith or if she was still tied to the many things on her list like being married in the Mormon temple, giving her ten percent tithe, being baptized, etc. She said that if I was sincere in my heart I would know that the Mormon church was true, another answer off her piece of paper although she didn't have to read it because she's been taught to say these words since the time she could walk. Every Mormon you ask will give you the same answer, word for word because they are not their own words or thoughts. These are the things that have been drilled into them since they can remember. She said she couldn't help me so she was going to end the chat. I told her that if these were her own thoughts and beliefs she could have this conversation with me instead of getting off line before something I said might cause her to doubt her faith for one second. She said she could stay and chat if she wanted to, but she didn't have anything else to say. Then she added that if I was sincere I would know the Mormon church was true. I asked her how she could decide which one of us was sincere. Wasn't that a little subjective? Then I told her how free I've felt since reading the Bible and really understanding it for myself instead of listening to old men tell me what it meant. I told her how great it feels to not have to carry the weight of your own salvation on your shoulders by your good works and deeds. She hung up on me. I prayed that God would let some little seed of doubt creep under all the brainwashing and begin to grow. There is a lot more to say about Mormonism, so I'll make this the first of many posts on the subject. I'll have to remember these ads when I'm feeling a little lethargic because they light a fire under me even MORE so than Fantasy Football!

Music to My Ears

2010-07-27T00:21:00.000-05:00

I love learning new things about my kids as they discover who they are, what they like and what they want to do. Jenna fell in love with Science this past school year. Her teacher raved about her and she came home from school excited to explain sound waves and other things I didn't really understand. I listened, but I knew this was a gene she got from her Dad and it took extra concentration on my part to stay focused on what she was saying. Tonight, we had a new discovery. I was in the living room when Johnny ran down the stairs and told me I HAD to hear the song Jenna wrote. Jenna's been taking guitar lessons for a couple of months now, so I'm used to hearing guitar chords coming down from her bedroom, but it took me a few seconds for Johnny's words to sink in. She wrote a song? Holy cow! I yelled upstairs for her to come down and play it for me. Johnny was still telling me how much he liked it and that it almost made him cry. Embarassed and a little self-conscious Jenna played it for me and I almost cried too. It's American Idol, Crystal Bowersocks good! After she played her song she looked at me with a big smile and said, "I don't even know how I wrote that. It just came to me." Finally, something I understand!

2010-07-23T23:15:00.000-05:00

I'm super tired, my neck has a really bad kink in it and I don't care about much. These are all red flags to me. It means I've let my schedule take over my life instead of keeping my life tightly guarded by watching what goes onto my shcedule. In order to guard my time I have to say "no" a lot and be on guard for intruders at all times. Sometimes I don't notice it sneaking up on me until I'm worn out and disappointing people, because I don't just hurt myself when I overschedule, I hurt the people around me. I yelled at Johnny today for throwing the lacrosse ball at me. Guess what? We were playing catch...with the lacrosse ball! I apologized for being so tired and gumpy and we played awhile longer. Another person told me it would be nice if I called them back more often. Ouch. And I blew off a friend twice and didn't even realize it. I gotta get to bed. JB went up awhile ago and I haven't seen him much lately either. Where have I been? I don't know, but I'm rewriting my August schedule right now so I don't get lost next month. Tomorrow is a new day. Good night!

When Everyone is Involved with Care Ministry

2010-07-19T09:41:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a friend about Care Ministry at our church because I t hink the Bible study Ann and I started last fall and will do again this fall fits under the catagory of care ministry more than it does a women's Bible study. As we were talking it suddenly felt weird to put care ministry into a little catagory all by itself. I understand there are needs that might go unmet if we don't have some people who are watching closer than the rest of us and it's also a place for someone to go to receive care when they aren't in a small group or just don't know where else to go, but I have ignored care ministry in the past because it scared me. I had a picture in my mind of people who had needs that I didn't know how to deal with, like mental illness, abuse, alcoholism or even emotions. I was once at a women's retreat when I walked into a room where someone was crying. Terrified I said, "I'll go get someone." I'm friends with that woman today and we laugh about it now, but the fact was I didn't know how to deal with someone else's pain, so I didn't. In retrospect, I see that I didn't have to have years of experience to help this woman. All I had to do was ask her how she was and listen and if the problem was something more than I knew how to handle I could ask someone else for help. It's like the good samaritan. He helped a half beaten man by bandaging his wounds, finding him a place to stay and some food to eat. He did what he could and left the man in the care of someone else. I haven't ever run into a physically half beaten person, but I've run into plenty of people who are beaten emotionally and spiritually. I don't have to worry about fixing their lives for them. God is in control of that. But by doing what I can I am God's hands and feet and people will feel God's love for them through me. I know because I have been there. It's not easy to believe God is doing something when you're in pain, but when someone helps me when I'm in trouble, I know God is there.

19 YEARS AND COUNTING!

2010-07-13T22:33:00.000-05:00

JB and I are celebrating our 19th anniversary today! I know after 19 years that he is not the perfect man, but he is the perfect man for ME. By profession JB runs all the emergency medical services for the city of Woodbury. One of his favorite things about the job is to deflating the chaos from an emergency to bring order and calmness. One of my favorite things in life is creating chaos out of a calm scene. So, I think we were made for each other. That combination has often caused some friction, but we've learned some strategies, like only working together on a house project for fifteen minutes at a time, never golfing together, and no more drinking for me. I've also learned to say "no" to activities and he's learned to say "yes" on rare ocassions. He is a predictable, constant in our marriage while my moods change as often as the weather, even when I'm ON medication. There are so many things I could say about marriage and ours in particular, but my favorite story comes from an episode that happened in my therapist's office. I brought JB with me for a session to talk about communication. I'd already been seeing my therapist for some weeks. After trying to sift through my crazy thought process, she turned to JB and asked him, "why do you stay with her?" He quickly answered, "because I love her." End of story! :)

Jenna Comes Home Today

2010-07-11T08:20:00.000-05:00

Tight schedule this morning, but I haven't written in a week! I've tried to write all week, but I could not find one thing to say. Yes, that's rare. I wondered if my medication was not working because I felt nothing and when I feel nothing, I have nothing to write. So, I talked to a friend and told her I was worried and I was going to start running again and that always helps and I need to do something before I spiral down into depression. Her response surprised me. She said, "that is SO awesome that you recognized it and are taking action!" Yes, I guess it is! Sometimes...ok, almost all the time I don't give myself enough credit for the little steps forward I make. I suppose it's because I always want to make giant leaps forward, like being on the best sellers list vs. finishing my book or running a marathon vs. running a 5K or solving everyone's problems with our Bible study/DBT class vs. helping six women that God puts in our class this year.

I also lose sight of what I've already accomplished. While feeling "nothing" and worrying about depression something I read in a magazine reminded me that I have already accomplished my biggest goal! It's a writer's magazine entirely devoted to memoir. The article I read asked several questions in order to help define the theme and the hook of the story. The most basic question was "What did I want?" I answered, "I wanted to be a good mom." Voila! That's it! In all the details of themes and story and therapy and publishing I forgot that my story came down to one thing; I wanted to be a good mom. It was my motivation to quit drinking and work on my behavior and thought patterns. My kids were my motivation to live and move on. And I did it. I'm not perfect by any definition of the word, but I am a good mom. I mess up a lot and let them stay up too late and I don't give them enough chores to do and they watch things they probably shouldn't, but I'm a good mom. Jenna comes home today from a 2 1/2 week vacation with her friend's family. I can't wait to see her. And I believe she feels the same way about me.

Celebrating Freedom

2010-07-05T10:43:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in a lawn chair next to family, friends and half the neighborhood staring up at the sky. With years of experience, JB, our boys are our neighbors are lighting fireworks with perfect choreography. My neice and nephews have little orange squishy ear plugs in their tiny ears as they sit on my brother's lap watching the sky. Dozens of kids are wearing glow in the dark necklaces and bracelets so we can tell where they are in the dark. They have seen the show enough times they don't have to be told to stay behind the garden hose, our temporary barrier about twenty yards from the launch pad. One of the fireworks soars 300 feet and shoots out long orange strips of light which look like a 3-D movie against tens of little white sprays like a forest of glow in the dark willow trees in the sky. It's so cool and so close I laugh out loud and yell and clap with everyone. It's one of those times when I forget how much money we spent, or how grumpy I was putting the third coat of varnish on the deck, or what has to get done tomorrow, and everything seems right with the world. Being surrounded by people I love and celebrating freedom trumps all of my worries and fears and for one evening I lean back, stare at the sky, and thank God for my life and all the people who've died or have fought or who are now fighting for what I have; freedom.

Writing Like Laundry

2010-07-01T12:40:00.000-05:00

I'm writing from my deck this morning and realizing that one of the reasons it's hard for me to write is that I've been wanting results. I've likened my writing to mowing the lawn instead of doing laundry. I love mowing the lawn because when I'm done I put the lawn mower away for the week and I can look at the nicely cut lines in my grass and sit on my deck and drink a Diet Mountain Dew and feel good. Laundry is a different story. I hate laundry. It's every where and no matter how much of it I do, I can't put the detergent away for the week or even two days! There's laundry in the bathrooms, on every bedroom floor, on the laundry room floor, on the floor in the hallway, and in laundry baskets if I'm lucky. Last week I opened Johnny's Lacrosse bag to let his stinky equipment air out and I found six pairs of dirty socks! When cleaning out van I find laundry. Vacuuming under couch cushions I find laundry and almost every load of clothes contains someones laundry I don't even recognize!

In the past I have been able to write like I mow the grass because I wrote skits and short Bible study stories. I could finish them within the week, sometimes in just a day or two. As I wrote the last line or touched up the clincher at the end of the skit, I knew I was done. It felt good. I could move onto something else. A book is so much more like the laundry. It seems that it will never be finished. At the end of the day I don't get to wrap something up or tie everything together. It's always left undone. Ugh!

So, I'm going to try to change my expectations. Like the laundry, I'm going to plod along and do a little every day. However, unlike the laundry, someday this book will get done and I will be able to sit back on my deck, drink my Diet Dew and feel good.

Less Excuses, More Writing

2010-06-30T11:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first whole day without playing Age of Empires on the computer. Johnny's really proud of me. We'll see how I do today. "One day at a time."

I went to the midnight showing of Eclipse with my mom and sisters last night. It's always fun to spend the evening with them and I like watching the characters from the book come to life. The acting and directing is better than the first movie, but it's still so bad I cringed a lot. Robert Pattinson's terrible acting of Edward forces me to be on Team Jacob. Taylor Lautner is a much better actor, with or without the great abs.

On to the real subject today - I'm reading a book called A Writer's Space. It caught my eye at the book store. I've been looking for a good place to write for a long time now. Right now I'm sitting at my dining room table. I used to write in the den, but JB's computer and all kinds other things are in there that pull at me. Sometimes I sit at the kitchen table. I've read in several places about successful authors writing in small, quiet spaces that have a door they can shut, so I designated my walk in closet as my new writing space. I haven't done much writing in there, but my closet it really clean!

After chatting with a friend yesterday my lack of writing came down to something very simple. I'm not writing. I'm using a million and one excuses to not write. It's too loud. It's too quiet. It's messy. The phone keeps ringing. People keep bothering me. I just need to put in one load of laundry. I need to find an agent. I need to find a self-publishing company. I need to get up at 5 a.m. I'll never get up at 5 a.m! I'll stay up late. I need to listen to my kids. This friend really needs me. I have to work. Maybe I should get a job. I'll be a Census taker! I need to be secluded, in a cabin, up north, in Wisconsin, on a lake, with an Eagle in a nest 35 degrees to my right and two loons on the lake at dusk, on the glass like surface of the water. What I need is to get over it, quit making excuses and form a writing habit, no matter what time it is, where I am, what I have to write with or what is on my schedule. Simply, I just need to write.

Addicted to Age of Empires

2010-06-22T07:20:00.000-05:00

Two nights ago I was sitting at my computer clicking my mouse on town hall to create more villagers to chop wood, mine for gold and build more houses. Then JB called downstairs asking if I was coming to bed. I said what I always say when I'm engrossed in something, "I'll be there in a minute," which means I might come to bed sometime tonight. Back to the computer. I'm playing Age of Empires with my two boys, Andy and Johnny. I've sent out my scout to find their civilizations, but I don't know where they are yet or how fast they are building their military, which is making me nervous because they could strike at any moment and I haven't built my stone walls up yet to protect my villagers! ...2 hours later...my city is burning to the ground and little skeletons of my soldiers and villagers are scattered on the ground. I have lost again. I desperately want to start a new game, but it's late and Andy has to get up early, so I force myself to exit the game and shut off my computer. As I shut my laptop I look around and realize a lot of housework has piled up today while I was playing games. I start the dishwasher and swear tomorrow I won't play that game all day.

I made it until 1:10 yesterday. I picked up Johnny from his clinic and we started playing the minute we walked in the door. Andy called from church at 3:00 asking for a ride home. I told him I would get him as soon as we finished our game. Johnny had already burned my village to the ground, but I escaped by ship and began a new civilization on the other side of the map! I felt so clever. Andy walked in the door a few minutes later. He had started walking and got a ride home. To be fair, we live less than a mile from our church. However, I may have told him to walk ten miles if I was in the middle of a game. Andy joined the next game and we played until Jenna arrived home from her weekend trip to North Dakota. I told everyone TIME OUT! We all ran to hug and kiss her and ask about her trip. I think we let her talk for about ten minutes before we got back to the game at hand. Ten minutes was really a lot of time when you consider that crops had to be replanted and villagers were running out of gold to mine. There was work to be done! JB came home from work five minutes later. Well, it felt like five minutes, but I think it was closer to an hour. Johnny had a lacrosse game and we had to eat dinner, so we had to put the game away. I made it the rest of the night without playing! Today is a busy day. Andy and Johnny both have activities to go to all morning, Andy has an appointment this afternoon and Johnny has another lacrosse game, but I think we have some free time between 1:00 and 2:30!

... and Miles to Go Before I Sleep

2010-06-17T23:50:00.000-05:00

I was really looking forward to summer vacation so we could all sleep in a little and relax. I think I put 400 miles on my car this week. We have activities scheduled all summer right up through the first week of school in September, and between family and friends there are so many emotional things going on right now divorce and addiction have become everyday conversation. I just ate 12 little candy orange slices and my stomach hurts; a sure sign of stress.

While I was in the car today I plugged in my Garmin - the thing that tells you how to get to places. It asked me, "Where to?" I typed in San Diego, CA. It calculated my trip and told me to turn right on 70th street to Hwy 61. I went straight, so it recalculated and told me to take a right on 80th street. I took a left. It recalculated. We kept doing this all the way to Menards. Menards is a long way from the ocean. I knew I was going to Menards, but I wanted to drive away somewhere and get away from the phone and my e-mail and my kid's schedules and any other responsibility I have. That's when I realized I need some boundaries and a vacation this summer. The vacation doesn't have to be big or expensive, but I need to plan something to look forward to. And I need to put boundaries on my schedule. Just because I don't have deadlines or work hours I can't just allow my day to be eaten up by constant urgencies and last minute plans. I need to block out time for myself, for my writing, for errands and housework and put a limit on playing taxi mom. And maybe I'll turn my computer off and take my phone off the hook too! Hmmm... tomorrow could be the beginning of a really fun summer.

My Best Friend, Wilson

2010-06-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

One of the things a blogger is supposed to do for their readers if they want to keep their readers is to post new writing consistently. In the last post I said I would talk more about emotions. I think that's why I haven't written all week. I feel a little like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. For four years his best friend is a volley ball. Then he’s rescued, he showers, shaves and puts on some new clothes, but it's going to take him awhile to acclimate to society again.

I know a lot of people like myself that live around people every day but remain on an island emotionally. I’m sure there are many reasons we retreat to our islands, but I think fear is what keeps us there. My therapist once said that the same tools I used to survive emotionally as a child are going to kill me as an adult. In other words, I need to make a raft and get off my island. I need to interact with my husband, family and friends at a deeper level than figuring out the bills, work schedules and lunch dates. I need to risk sharing emotions even when I think they might start a conflict or risk telling someone how I feel knowing it might hurt them. I need to risk my feelings of safety and security in order to feel intimacy. People aren’t wired to go through life alone. The alternative? Create a best friend out of an inanimate object like Wilson, the volleyball. A volley ball won’t hurt my feelings or leave me, but it also won’t tell me the truth, love me or push me to become a better person.

Danger Ahead: Learning to Read My Emotions Ugh...

2010-06-09T10:26:00.000-05:00

I have a hard time writing when I feel overwhelmed and I get overwhelmed when I feel anxious or fearful or sad. One of the things I've learned and taught in our Bible study/DBT group is that feelings are tellling us something. Like if run after dark and I feel anxious as I turn down my favorite deserted road, my feeling is telling me there might be danger running here after dark. I have squelched and buried my feelings for so many years that it's hard to remember this simple idea.

I'm pushing myself to make more time for rewriting my book which is also requiring me to feel some emotions I'd rather avoid. As I was cleaning out my book shelf today I found a little pamplet I got from treatment called, "Learning to Live with Emotions." I don't see anything as a coincidence anymore so I figure God is pushing me to work on understanding my emotions. So, if I remember this week I'm going to blog about emotions...mine in particular and use some of the skills I learned in my DBT group to deal with and understand them. Right now I'm feeling rushed because I need to leave for work in 10 minutes and I'm halfway done cleaning my room which means there are things everywhere and I need to change and brush my teeth and eat something...maybe not in that order. I hope in my rummaging around to recognize some of my emotions you become more aware or find some of your own. I've heard they make for a more fulfullling life. And if you already have this nailed down, be sure to help a friend. I get redirected almost daily by my friends helping me read and respond to my emotions. Thanks friends!